A man is walking by his son’s room, when he hears him praying… …and he decides to poke his head in the door to see what he is saying. Dear God, I love Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye bye Grandpa. The father thought this was strange, but didn’t pay much mind to it, as his young son was just expressing his feelings. The next day the man comes home from work to find out that the Grandpa had died earlier that day of a surprise heart attack. The day after the funeral the man is going to bed when he hears his son praying again. He decides to listen in again, afraid he might be traumatized by the death. Dear God, I love Mommy and Daddy. Bye bye Grandma. This time he was more than a little freaked out by this, but still didn’t take too much notice to the apparent coincidence. But then… The next day the father returns home from work to find out the Grandma died that day from a surprise heart attack. The father was starting to worry about his son at this point. He listened in every night to see if he prayed but he didn’t… at least not until the day after the funeral. The father did his usual check on his son, when he heard him distinctly praying again. He slowly poked his head through the door to listen. Dear God, I love Mommy. Bye bye Daddy. Of course, the father was more than worried about this, he was downright paranoid. The next day at work, he was avoiding anything that could potentially harm him. He hid under his desk, and kept a phone nearby in case something happened. After the longest day of his life, he safely returned home to discover several police cars around his house blaring lights and putting up caution tape everywhere. He wanders up to the door, confused, when his wife leaps into his arms, and starts crying. He asked what happened, and she says: Oh the most terrible thing happened today! The mailman died of a terrible heart attack right on our doorstep!
Mickey’s Yellow Snow Dilemma… Mickey was angry because somebody was writing Mickey sucks in yellow snow outside of his front door every time it snowed. He ended up going to his friend who was a cop to ask for help. The cop checked it out and took some photos and samples. A couple of days later the cop came back to Mickey: Well, the good news is we’ve figured out that the urine came from your friend, Goofy. The bad news – it’s Minnie’s handwriting…
A man finds a penguin on the road… A man finds a penguin on the road side. Thinking the penguin is lost the man takes it, drives until finding a police officer and asks what to do. – Take it to the zoo replies the officer. One week latter the policer officer sees the man driving with the penguin by his side. What are you doing with that penguin ? I told you to bring him to the zoo. I did exactly that. He loved it and now we are going to the movies .
the ambulance and the toe Last night I was coming home from work in the city, driving country roads to get home. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw an ambulance with its lights on. I pulled over and as the ambulance passed by, I noticed the back door open up a little. The ambulance hit a small bump and out fell an ice chest. I quickly pulled off the road and rushed over to the ice chest and opened it up. Inside was a human toe in the ice. I knew I wouldn’t be able to catch the ambulance so I got in my car and rushed to the nearest gas station to call 911 (my cell phone was dead). They told me they’d send a car right away but all of their police cars were in use and told me just to wait 20 minutes. So I waited 20 minutes for the tow truck to show up.
So a blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver… The blonde cop says I need to see your license . The blonde driver digs through her purse for awhile, and says I can’t find it. What does it look like? . So the cop, making a rectangle with her hands, says it’s rectangular, and has your picture on it . The blonde driver searches through her purse but can’t find it. She finally comes up with the only rectangular item, a small mirror. She looks at it, shrugs, and hands it to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at it, shrugs, and hands it back to the blonde driver. Oh, you can go the blonde cop says. I didn’t realize you were a cop .
A joke i came up with…. detective: time of death 4:20 police officer: eyyyy detective: eyyyyy corpse: eyyyy
Materialism A Wall Street broker parked his brand new Lamborghini on the street at the front of his office so that all of his coworkers could see it and envy him. As he was opening the door, a cab flew by, clipped the door, and then kept going. The broker sat there for a moment in shock, staring through his windshield at the remains of his door, 20 feet in front of his brand new, very expensive car. He finally snaps out of it and is livid. He gets out of the car and screams at the fleeing cab, shaking his fist in fury. Realizing that it was pointless to continue yelling at the cab, he called the police and yelled at them, demanding that they catch the man responsible for this. When the police arrive, the man is further frustrated because he can’t remember any distinguishing features about the cab and yellow doesn’t help much in New York City. This is ridiculous! he screamed, It’s going to cost a fortune to fix this, it’ll be in the shop for months, and it’ll never be quite right! The officer just looked at him, flabbergasted, Sir, I can’t believe you… Me…you can’t believe me!? the broker screamed back, What about the idiot who did this to my car?! You Wall Street people are all the same, the officer continued calmly, you’re all so materialistic. Someone did thousands of dollars worth of damage and you’re standing here lecturing me on materialism!? What’s it matter to you?! Just do your job! But, sir, when you opened your door, it took more than your door, the officer said, pointing at the bloody stump where the broker’s left hand used to be. The broker looked down and, after a moment of shock, screamed, OH MY GOD! MY ROLEX!!
It’s a Miracle, I tell yeah! A police officer notices a car swerving on the freeway, so he pulls it over. As he walks up to the car he notices the driver is a priest. Anything to drink today, father? , the officer asks. No, just water , replies the priest. Then why do I smell wine on your breath?, rebutted the officer. The father looks at the officer with wide open eyes and replies in astonishment, SWEET JESUS! I can’t believe it! He’s done it again!! IT’S A MIRACLE!
Grandpa told me this one last night at dinner A lawyer is driving down the quiet country road and is approaching a stop sign. The road is completely devoid of people or other drivers, so the lawyer just slows down a bit to be safe, but otherwise drives through the intersection. Suddenly a siren goes off and seemingly out of nowhere a police car is trailing him. Confused, the lawyer pulls over to the side of the road and parks his car. A cop gets out of the cruiser and walks up to his vehicle. Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? asked the officer. I have no idea officer. replied the lawyer. The cop points to the intersection behind them and says I saw you run that stop sign. As a driver, you *must* come to a complete stop before going through that intersection. The officer then writes up a ticket and hands it to the lawyer and tells him to have a nice day as he walks back to his vehicle. The lawyer then thinks he might be able to argue the ticket with the cop, he does this kind of thing for his job for God’s sake. The lawyer gets out of his car and shouts Officer! You can’t really think I deserve this ticket, it’s not like I was just blazing through the intersection, I slowed down before passing through! It doesn’t even make a difference out here! The officer turns back towards him and begins a steady walk to the lawyer and his car. In one fluid motion he has his baton out and whacks the lawyer over the head with it. The lawyer falls to the ground covering himself from the officer’s repeated blows screaming Stop! Stop! The officer says in between strikes Would you- like me to- slow down- or stop completely?
Police Brutality A man comes across a scene where two cops are beating the fuck out of a white guy. Surprised, he runs up to them and says, He’s not black! Why are you beating him up like that? One of the cops replies, He actually is. He’s Michael Jackson.
They say that sex relieves stress. Not true. I had sex last week and the police have been after me ever since.
A cop catches a Z4 with European plates doing 134 in upstate New York, so the cop gets out calling for backup and shouts Keep your hands on the wheel! while approaching the driver’s side. He instructs the driver to lower the window. It’s a pale bald guy wearing a dark turtleneck and thick plastic eyeglasses. Ja? I vas just admiring Ihre Autobahn. There is eine Art von Problem? Yeah, buddy, says the cop. This isn’t ‘ear auto bahn.’ You’re in New York State, and you have to respect OUR laws. DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND. ME? Sir, step OUT of the vehicle please. The German obliges and the cop says I’m going to need to look inside your vehicle, as he peers into the back seat. How about you open up the trunk for me. So the German clicks open the trunk, which floats open to reveal a set of red lights illuminating a bloody flank of pinkish flesh underneath. Put your hands in the air where I can see ’em! shouts the cop. You mind explaining this to me?! Vhat? says the German, There is just die Tool-Kit, und NO, man! This . . . blood, and Ah, ja says the German, es ist just meine spare Veal.
A divine miracle for rescue A terrible storm came into a town and local officials sent out an emergency warning that the riverbanks would soon overflow and flood the nearby homes. They ordered everyone in the town to evacuate immediately. A faithful Christian man heard the warning and decided to stay, saying to himself, I will trust God and if I am in danger, then God will send a divine miracle to save me. The neighbors came by his house and said to him, We’re leaving and there is room for you in our car, please come with us! But the man declined. I have faith that God will save me. As the man stood on his porch watching the water rise up the steps, a man in a canoe paddled by and called to him, Hurry and come into my canoe, the waters are rising quickly! But the man again said, No thanks, God will save me. The floodwaters rose higher pouring water into his living room and the man had to retreat to the second floor. A police motorboat came by and saw him at the window. We will come up and rescue you! they shouted. But the man refused, waving them off saying, Use your time to save someone else! I have faith that God will save me! The flood waters rose higher and higher and the man had to climb up to his rooftop. A helicopter spotted him and dropped a rope ladder. A rescue officer came down the ladder and pleaded with the man, Grab my hand and I will pull you up! But the man STILL refused, folding his arms tightly to his body. No thank you! God will save me! Shortly after, the house broke up and the floodwaters swept the man away and he drowned. When in Heaven, the man stood before God and asked, I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me? And God said, Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?
Sting operation on a whorehouse A whorehouse in the suburbs gets busted and the cops line up all the girls on the sidewalk so they can book them en masse. Starting from the head of the line, an officer takes down each prostitute’s name, physical description, and asks for ID. An underaged hooker towards the back of the line sees her grandma on approach, returning from the shop, and panics. Sweetie! calls the grandmother What are you and your friends waiting here in line for? Ah, oh hi Grandma! It’s a, er, police appreciation day and they’re handing out free tangerines. Oh, move over dear, I’d like one too. A couple tense minutes pass, the girl’s pulse quickening and her grandmother introducing herself to the other prostitutes on line. So the cop reaches the girl, asks her name, makes a few notes, but then turns to the grandmother, and says, quizzically, Ma’am, I . . . I don’t understand how you . . . ? And the grandmother smiles and says, Oh, at my age I just take my teeth out and suck ’em dry.
Have you heard about the Viagra shipment that was stolen? The police are on the lookout for hardened criminals.
Have fun reading. This one’s a long one. There’s this guy in Florida, and he finds out that his uncle died. He inherits a zoo and he gets money to run it. So he goes to the zoo and it’s so dilapidated. So he has a month to renovate, and he gets a big aviary, a big lion cage, and an aquarium. He uses all of his money on that stuff. It’s a week before opening day. He realizes that he has no animals. So he goes on his laptop and finds out that the state of Florida has foster lions. He calls the state and arranges a time for them to bring the lions over. They come over, they’re loading the lions into the cage, and they lions are just sitting there sleeping. The guy says Why are they tired? The state-workers say Well, these are foster lions. These guys used to be the guards of Mexican drug cartel bosses. The cartel fed them cocaine and now they’re just tired. The guy goes Oh, alright. The state-worker says Right, so these are not your animals. They are the states’. You are getting $10,000 if you care for them. Now the guy needs birds. He’s looking on Craigslist and he sees an ad for myna birds. Some guy has one thousand of them and he’s selling them for $10 per bird. And he says Wow, that’s perfect! So he drives to the place to pick up the birds. The guy selling the birds goes Oh yeah, they’re so great, they talk, kids love them! And the zoo owner says Ok, I’ll take five of them. The seller says I’m selling all of them. You have to take all of them. All thousand. So the guy, even though he uses all of his money, gets the birds and puts them in the aviary. He then realizes that he needs fish. He posts an ad on Craigslist saying that he’s looking for fish and he gets an email going Argh, I’ve got ye fish yer lookin’ fer! Come down to the pier on West Palm Beach! The guy, though weirded out because he’s getting an email from a guy who types like a pirate goes and meets the guy. The pirate leads the guy to a warehouse and there’s a big tank full of porpoises. The guy goes Sweet! and the pirate says But these here fish are cursed. They’ll only eat the freshest of fowl. The pirate sticks his hand out of the window grabs a few seagulls and snaps their necks. He throws them in the tank and havoc ensues. The porpoises go insane, their eyes glow red, and the water starts boiling, but the guy gets them anyway. So it’s a night before opening and the guy is getting ready. He hears loud noises from the aquarium. He runs around the big lion cage and breaks through the door. The porpoises are fighting each other. The guy remembers that he didn’t feed them. So, he runs back around the lion cage, grabs three of the myna birds and snaps their necks. He’s about to run back, but he realizes he can take a shortcut. It’s through the lion cage. He opens the door, he’s stepping over the sleeping lions, and he gets to the last door. In front of it is a big, scary lion sleeping and he can’t walk around it. He puts his foot over it. Then right when he does that, SWAT, police, FBI, and just about everyone shows up. There is a voice from a bullhorn saying STOP! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST! The guy goes For what!? And the voice says YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR TRANSPORTING MYNAS (MINORS) OVER STATE LIONS (LINES) FOR IMMORAL PORPOISES (PURPOSES)
A police officer pulled over an Amish couple in a buggy Sir, I’m going to need you to remove the strap from around that horse’s testicles. That’s just inhumane. WHAT’S HE SAYIN’? , the old man asked his wife. I think there might be something wrong with the emergency brake.
A classic French/Belgian joke (Translated from French. I always found the nationalism amusing that the French and Belgians use each other as the butt of jokes – sorry for any Belgians here that are offended, I’ll raise a Belgian beer in your name later on!) Two Belgians were in a delivery truck driving through France. They come upon a bridge with low clearance. Hey Lou-Lou, get out and check the markings. Lou-Lou gets out of the truck, sees that the bridge is marked 3m and the truck is marked 3.2m for its height. He takes a sneaky look around and then gets back into the truck. So? What does it say? asked the driver. Don’t worry, we can go – there are no cops around!
A different kind of doctor A man was speeding down the local highway, far over the limit as he crossed a bridge. The cop that was hidden to the side raced after him and immediately pulled him over. He walks up to the car window and begins to question the man. Where are you headed in such a hurry? the cop asks I’m extremely late for an appointment, my patient is in dire need of help! the man replies Oh, so you’re a doctor eh? What kind of doctor? Well you see officer, I’m a rectum stretcher. The cop blinks, skeptical, and repeats back A rectum stretcher? Yes sir And what exactly do you do? Well exactly what my name implies sir. You see, some people have really stressful lives, and having your rectum stretched can relieve that like nothing else can. The cop asks So. How do you uhh, ya know, do it? Well it’s simple really, you start with one finger he begins motioning his index finger forward and back and then you add another, and another, till eventually you’re using your whole fist. Then you start again with your other hand, till eventually you’re putting both fists in and out of their rectum like so. You can actually stretch their rectum to as much as 6 feet! The cop stands mouth agape before he angrily asks What do you do with a 6 foot asshole?!? Give it a radar gun and park it near a bridge
There was a man named Wan… … and he was well-known to be a fine, upstanding citizen.. One day, while dutifully attending a PTA meeting, one member says Hey Wan, you’re a great guy. You don’t smoke, you don’t drink, you don’t beat the wife and kids, and you don’t kick the armadillo across the street. You should be president of the PTA! This is met with murmurs of agreement, and when they next voted, Wan won the election is a landslide! The school board heard about this and decided to hire Wan. After only a week, the current president calls Wan into his office and says Hey Wan, you are really a great guy. You don’t smoke, you don’t drink, you don’t beat the wife and kids, and you don’t kick that cute little armadillo against the street. You should run for president of the school board! And so Wan ran for president of the school board, and he won in a landslide! It wasn’t long until the community took notice of what a great job he was doing, and several people walked up to him and said Hey Wan, you’re an outstanding guy! You don’t smoke, you don’t drink, you don’t beat the wife and kids, and you don’t kick the armadillo across the street. You should run for governor! So Wan ran for governor, and lo and behold, he won in a landslide! However, he’d hardly been in this position long before news of his good deeds spread worldwide. Every day he would get emails that said Hey Wan, you are really an exceptional guy! You don’t smoke, you don’t drink, you don’t beat your wife and kids, and you never kick that armadillo across the street. You would the best president the US has ever seen! Wan figures he might as well give it a shot, and he ends up getting 96% of the vote, which of course meant he won in a landslide! So Wan becomes president of the United States. One day, as Wan is walking along, he is suddenly pulled into an alleyway. There, a shady-looking man confronts him, brandishing a golf gun. He says Look Wan, you’re a great guy. You don’t smoke, you don’t drink, you don’t beat the wife and kids, and not once have you kicked that armadillo across the street. But you know what? I don’t like you. I would kill you right here, but I don’t want that kind of blood on my hands. Tell you what: if you find a way to tarnish your own reputation so you get impeached, I’ll spare your life and the lives of your family members. We got a deal? Wan nodded grimly. On the long walk back to the White House, he thought about how he could ruin his reputation. He decided he should start smoking, but not just any kind of smoking. No, Wan started smoking crack. It didn’t take long for the public to discover his new addiction, and he was soon impeached and resigned. Still, he was allowed to run for governor again and, once again, won in a landslide! As he’s walking around after the election, he is pulled into an alley by the same shady guy as before. Look Wan, he says, you don’t drink, don’t beat the wife and kids, and still haven’t kicked that armadillo. That being said, I still don’t like you. I’ll spare your life again, but only if you agree to get impeached and resign as governor. Wan, scared for his life and the lives of his loved ones, again agreed. He started to drink, but not just lightly. No, Wan would do shots until he passed out. When he ran out of money, he would drink the drippings from the bar mop in desperation. After a scandal involving a DUI, he was impeached and again resigned. Still, he had his old job as president of the school board. One day as he is walking along, he gets pulled into another alley by the same man. He says I see that you’ve started drinking, Wan, but you still haven’t beating the wife and kids, and that armadillo still hasn’t been kicked across the street. That means I still don’t like you. If you get fired from your job, though, I might let you and your family live. Wan nodded sadly and walked back home, stopping at no less than 3 bars on the way there. In his state of drunken depression, he started the savagely beat his wife and kids. The neighbors called the police and Wan was arrested and fired on the spot. Still, at least he had his position as president of the PTA. As he is stumbling home after spending a month in jail (and a night out drinking), he walks into an alley to smoke some crack and, to his surprise, sees the shady guy standing there. Hey Wan, the guy says, it looks like your life is falling apart. But every day I see you walk past that armadillo without kicking it, I hate you a little more. Tell you what, if you get kicked out of your spot as PTA president, I’ll leave you alone. Wan, figuring he doesn’t have much to lose, agrees. The next day, while leaving his house, Wan spots the armadillo. At first, he hesitates. There sits the armadillo, innocent as can be. His leathery shell glistens in the sun. His beady, black eyes stare out from his adorably wrinkled face. Wan almost gives in to the armadillo’s cuteness, but fearing for his life, he draws back a leg and kicks the armadillo so hard that it flies across the street. A fellow PTA member witnesses this and immediately asks the other members to kick Wan out. A week later, Wan is shuffling down the street, aged beyond his years. He is suddenly pulled into an alley by none other than the shady guy. He says Wan, I know you’ve been through a lot. You started smoking crack, you started drinking, you beat the crap out of your wife and kids, and just a week ago you finally punted that armadillo across the street. But you know what? After all that you have lost, I *still* don’t like you. I’m not worried about your family, but I’m going to have to kill you. And with that, the man pulls out his gun and shoots Wan dead. A few hours later, police are on the scene. The police chief looks at Wan, lying there in the alley, and sadly shakes his head. This guy used to be so great. He didn’t smoke, he didn’t drink, he never laid a finger on his wife and kids, and he was so nice to that little armadillo. The chief couldn’t help but wonder what could cause a man to fall so far. Presently, the head detective on the case walks up to the chief. So, the chief says, any new leads? The detective says Well, forensics says that the murder weapon was a golf gun. The chief cocks his head to the side. A golf gun? What the hell is a golf gun? The detective sighs. I have no idea, but it sure made a hole in Wan!
A man walks into… the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and with a belch asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely – but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries Man! How many bars do you work at?
Magic Dildo A man was in a sex shop looking for a gift for his wife. Mother’s Day was just around the corner and he wanted to get her the perfect gift. He was having trouble deciding so he went up to the counter to get some help. He asked the girl at the counter, a stunningly hot blonde, what her favorite toy was. Without hesitation she answered, Oh, definitely the Magic Dildo! Magic Dildo? , asked the man. Yes. It’s quite possibly the most advanced sex toy ever created. All you have to do is say the words ‘Magic Dildo’ followed by the part of your body you want it to fuck… and it will. Care for a demonstration? I never leave home without mine. The man was slightly confused by what he was hearing. It didn’t sound possible. So, being the skeptic, he accepted her offer for a demonstration. The girl took out her purse, unzipped it, then said Magic Dildo my pussy! Just like that, out from her purse erupted a shining golden dildo. It quickly flew below the counter and up the shop keepers skirt. She grasped the glass display case in front of her and began moaning intensely. In between gasps, a few seconds later, she managed Magic Dildo stop! There was no need for hesitation. The man bought one right then and there! The girl, still trembling, quickly punched in his purchase then hurriedly ran to the back room with her purse. As the man left, all he could hear was, Magic Dildo my pussy! Followed by a long satisfied scream. He could hardly wait to see his wife’s reaction to the gift. He’d never felt this excited in his entire life! He jumped into his car and tore off for home. Racing down the interstate he was swerving from lane to lane, driving like a mad man. Just then he noticed a police car pulling out behind him. Hoping that maybe they didn’t see him, he slowed down to a reasonable speed. But it was too late. The sirens came on. Reluctantly he pulled over to the side of the road. The cop car pulled in behind him. The officer approached his door, and started the usual spiel, License and registration. The glint of the gold packaging caught the officers eye. After looking a bit closer, thinking it may be a gun, he saw the picture on the box. More than a bit repulsed, the cop demanded, What in God’s name is that thing?! The man, having just retrieved his registration from the glove compartment, looked down at the box. His face flushed in embarrassment, he turned to the officer and said, That’s uhh… A Magic Dildo. It’s for my wife. An early Mother’s Day gift. Still sickened, the cop regretfully retorts, Yeah right. *Magic* Dildo, huh? Magic Dildo my ass!
A man gets pulled over At the end of a bridge for speeding. The officer says, son do you know how fast you were going? The guy tells him, yes officer, I’m sorry it’s just that my job is so stressful that I have to rush home each day to see my family and relieve my stress from the day. The cop asks, what kind of job is so stressful that you need to speed home this fast? The guy responds, well sir, I’m a rectum stretcher, I stretch rectum all day long. I start with one finger then work another in there. Then one hand then the other. I stretch and stretch and I usually end up with a 6-foot asshole. The cop asks, what do you do with a 6-foot asshole? The guy says, I give him a radar gun and put him on the end of a bridge!
Speeding motorist A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. But officer, the man began, I can explain. Just be quiet, snapped the officer. I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back. But, officer, I just wanted to say,… And I said keep quiet! You’re going to jail! A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back. Don’t count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. I’m the groom.
A burglar Some young man is trying to get into my room through the window, screamed old Mrs. Kleinman into the telephone. Sorry, lady, came back the answer, you’ve got the fire department. What you want is the police department. No, no, she pleaded, I want the fire department. What he needs is a longer ladder!
In a theater A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one. The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, Mister, you will have to get up. All you are entitled to is one seat. The man grunts and does not move. Finally a policeman is called in. He walks down the aisle and says to the man who is still on the four seats, Get out of those seats! The man grunts, and policeman says, Okay, wise guy, where are you from? The man moans and says, The balcony.
The blonde policewoman A blonde policewoman pulls over a blonde for speeding. She asks the blonde, Can I see your license please? The blonde says What’s that? The policewoman says Its a wee square thingy, it’s got your picture on it. The blonde rummages around in the glove box, and comes out with a compact mirror. Is this it? she says. The policewoman looks at it and says Yeah, that’s it. Oh, sorry, if I’d known you were a policewoman, I wouldn’t have stopped you.
What do you call a policeman with a thing for MLP? A clop cop.
What do you call a shifty midget in a police line up? A little suspect
I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are! A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he’s getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ‘My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. It’ll simply never be the same again!’ After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. ‘I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,’ he says. ‘You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.’ ‘How can you say such a thing at a time like this?’ sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, ‘Didn’t you realise that your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?’ The lawyer looks down in horror. ‘FUCKING HELL!’ he screams……..’My Rolex!!!’
A blond cop pulls over a blond woman… The cop asks for license and registration. The driver says she may not have her license, she doesn’t know what it looks like. The cop says, It’s small, rectangular, and has a picture of your face on it. The driver digs around for a minute and finally comes up with a handheld mirror. She hands it to the cop. The cop says, Oh, why didn’t you tell me you were a police officer?! You’re free to go!
Pope John XXIII is going to formally become a saint on Sunday (27 April 2014). Here is a sample of his humorous quips: 1. Visiting a hospital he asked a boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. The boy said either a policeman or a pope. I would go in for the police if I were you, the Holy Father said. Anyone can become a pope, look at me! 2. It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about the serious problems afflicting the world and I tell myself, I must talk to the pope about it. Then the next day when I wake up I remember that I am the pope. 3. In reply to a reporter who asked, How many people work in the Vatican? , he reportedly said: About half of them. 4. When a cardinal complained that a rise in Vatican salaries meant a particular usher earned as much as the cardinal, the pope remarked: That usher has 10 children; I hope the cardinal doesn’t. 5. When he went to visit a friend at the nearby Hospital of the Holy Spirit in the evening, the nun answering the door said: Holy Father, I’m the mother superior of the Holy Spirit. He replied: Lucky you! What a job! I’m just the ‘servant of the servants of God.’ 6. Not long after he was elected pope, Blessed John was walking in the streets of Rome. A woman passed him and said to her friend, My God, he’s so fat! Overhearing what she said, he turned around and replied, Madame, I trust you understand that the papal conclave is not exactly a beauty contest. 7. He once wrote: There are three ways to face ruin: women, gambling and farming. My father chose the most boring one. 8. When he was cardinal and patriarch of Venice, the future pope was talking with a wealthy city resident and told him, You and I have one thing in common: money. You have a lot and I have nothing at all. The difference is I don’t care about it. 9. When a journalist asked the then-patriarch of Venice what he would be if he could live his life all over again, the future pope said, Journalist. Then he said with a smile, Now let us see if you have the courage to tell me that, if you could do it all over again, you’d be the patriarch! 10. A Vatican official told the pope it would be absolutely impossible to open the Second Vatican Council by 1963. Fine, we’ll open it in 1962, he answered. And he did.
California Roll A man driving approaches a stop sign and slows down to a cool 5 mph, rolls smoothly across the crosswalk, looks both ways, and glides forward when he sees the coast is clear. Unbeknownst to him, a cop sees this and pulls him over on the next block. The cop pulls the guy out of the car and starts beating him. The guy starts yelling Stop! STOP!! What are you doing?! Stop!!! Oh I’m sorry, did you want me to stop or slow down?
My oldest dirty joke, From my grandfather around the campfire… **An old couple gets pulled over and…** Lady cop – May I see you license and registration sir? Old man – ugh, what did she say? Old wife – She needs to see you license and registration dear. **The old man hands it to the lady cop and…** Lady cop – Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had. Old man – ugh, what did she say? Old wife – Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you. *Cue my grandmother scolding my grandfather for telling a dirty joke in front of the kids.*
Series of Science jokes… I know some of you like whine about this sort of thing so I’ll apologize now: Sorry if you’ve already seen some (or all) of these before. A Physicist, a Biologist and a Mathematician are sitting in a street caf watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The Physicist says, The initial measurement wasn’t accurate. The Biologist says, They must have reproduced. The Mathematician says, If one more person enters the house; it will be empty. //// I’d tell more chemistry jokes, but all the good ones Argon. /// Q: WHAT DOES A MATHEMATICIAN DO WHEN HE’S CONSTIPATED? A: HE SITS DOWN AND WORKS IT OUT /// Heisenberg is driving on the free way and a police officer stopped him for speeding. The officer walks up to Heisenberg’s car and asks him, Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg says Officer, I have no idea how fast I was going, but I know exactly where I am! /// A Biologist, Chemist, and Physicist were on vacation together in Hawaii. They were usually in the lab all day so they finally decided to take a trip to the beach. When they get to the beach, they all study something about the water. The Biologist wanted to study the marine life so he jumps in the water and he disappears. The Physicist wanted to study the waves so he jumps in the water and he also disappears. Then, the Chemist, having observed all this, writes in her notebook, Biologist and Physicist both soluble in water. //// Two men walk into a bar. The first man orders some H2O. The second says sounds good, I’ll have some H2O too The second man died. /// You’ve got nice curves, like a Nyquist diagram //// Einstein, Pascal and Newton are together and are bored. Einstein says, Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it! The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. One… Two… Three… Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide. But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, Ready or not — here I come! Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, I found you, Pascal! //// Q: HOW OFTEN DO YOU STUDY CHEMISTRY? A: PERIODICALLY /// Your Mom is so dumb, she tried to minimize a 12 variable function to a minimal sum of products expression using a Karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm. //// An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders one glass of beer. The second one orders 1/2 glass of beer. The third one orders 1/4 glass of beer. The fourth orders 1/8 glass of beer. Before the fifth one orders, the bartender says, You’re all assholes and simply pours two glasses of beer. /// Na walks into a bar. It sees Cl and just starts beating the shit out of it. The two are fighting and the bartender says, hey you two, cut it out, or else I’m callin the police– that’s Assault. //// A Physicist, a chemist, and an economist are shipwrecked on a desert island with only a can of beans to eat and no way to open it. The Physicist makes a suggestion: I can calculate just the right angle, mass, and velocity of a projectile that will knock the top off the can. No! the Economist cries, That might spill the beans. The Chemist then says, I can make a compound from some local plants that will eat through the tin and open the can. Fool! That would contaminate the beans! says the Economist. Exasperated, the other two ask the economist if he has a plan. Of course! says the Economist, The solution is simple. First, we assume we have a can opener… //// Q: Why was Frequency always crying? A: Because it Hertz. //// Shake it like a sine wave baby //// An electron is driving on the freeway when a traffic officer pulls him over. The officer walks over to the electron’s car and says: Sir, do you know you were going 150 mph? The electron replies: Great. Now I’m lost //// Q: Why don’t Heisenburg’s operators live in the suburbs? A: They don’t commute /// One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math and wants to be a fireman. So, the mathematician walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman. The fire chief says, Well, you look like a good guy. I’d be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test. The firechief takes the mathematcian to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spicket, and a hose. The chief then says, OK, you’re walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do? The mathematician replies, Well, I hook up the hose to the spicket, turn the water on, and put out the fire. The chief says, That’s great… perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you’re walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire? The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and the finally says, I light the dumpster on fire. The chief yells, What? That’s horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire? The mathematician replies, Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I’ve already solved. //// A scientist, an artist, and an engineer are at a bar having their weekly drink. Topic of the week: whether it is better to have a wife or a mistress? *Scientist: A wife is a part of life and a fundamental part of my marriage and sanity. *Artist: Oui, oui mon ami, but the mistress holds the world’s passion and energy – the foundation of creativity!! *Engineer: Both work for me. That way, both women think you are busy with the other and you can finally get some work done in the lab. //// WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY GOOD NIGHT
The Apple store in town got robbed last night the police have sent out an appeal for iWitnesses
Imagine that you were tired of living in a police state and decided to leave Russia for good a while ago, and bought a small house in Crimea.
This is crime story 6 friends lived in a room This is crime story 6 friends lived in a room 1.Namely 2.MAD 3.BRAIN 4.FOOL 5.NOBODY 6.SOMEBODY 1 Day SOMEBODY killed NOBODY. At that time BRAIN was in bathroom, MAD called police. MAD:Is it police station? Police:Yes,what is the matter? MAD:SOMEBODY killed NOBODY. Police:R u mad? MAD:Yes,i m MAD. Police:Dnt u’ve BRAIN. MAD:BRAIN iz in bathroom.. Police:U FOOL… MAD:No,FOOL is reading this message
In Gods hands… A man was in his home when a hurricane blew into town bringing with it high winds and torrential rain. A pair of cops came by in waders and asked him to evacuate. * No thanks, officers, * he said. * My life is in God’s hands. * So the police left and the rain continued to fall. A few hours later and the water was up above the first floor of the man’s house, so the man went upstairs. At that point, a woman came by in a rowboat. * Let’s go! * she shouted in the man’s window. * No thank you, ma’m, * he replied. * My life is in God’s hands. * So the woman floated off in her boat and the rain continued to fall. A few hours later, the water had filled up the second floor of the man’s house, so he climbed onto the roof. Finally, a helicopter flew over and lowered a rope. * Grab the rope; we’ll rescue you! * said the medic in the helicopter, speaking into a megaphone. * No thank you! * screamed the man through the howling wind, * My life is in God’s hands! * So the water continued to rise and, eventually, the man was swept away and drowned. Up in heaven, the man came before God. * Why did you forsake me, God? * the man implored. * My life was in your hands! * * What do you want from me? * God replied. * I sent you a police escort, a rowboat, a helicopter *
Wife Missing My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
Two Russian motorcycle cops are sitting on the side of the road. This was a joke Ronald Reagan told about Gorbachev, but most people probably forgot about Gorbachev, so I made it about Putin. These two Russian motorcycle cops are sitting on the side of a Russian highway. They both get a call from the Russian government telling them that every car caught speeding is to be pulled over and sent straight to jail. Now, Vladamir Putin was in a huge hurry that day, and he told his limo driver to speed up, he wanted to get home to do man things. The Limo driver told Putin, I can’t sir, cars who speed will be taken straight to jail! Putin says, Fine, I’ll drive! So Putin gets in the drivers seat. He keeps gaining speed and gaining speed, and he passes the two motorcycle cops. One cop goes after him and pulls him over. The cop sees Putin, lets him go, and returns to the other cop. The other cop said, Hey, why’d you let that guy go? The one cop said, No, no, this guy was too important! The other cop said, Well who was it.?! The cop said, I didn’t see his face… but his driver was Putin!
Series of offensive jokes – you’ve been warned A woman rubs a lamp, a genie pops out and grants her one wish. The next night the Ku Klux Klan knock at her door and asks if she is the woman who wanted her husband hung like a black man /// Q: What is a redneck virgin? A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers. /// My girlfriend asked if I was a pedophile. I told her that was a really big word for someone her age /// I find this offensive; there’s a black man in my family tree. He’s been hanging from it for a while now. /// Q: Why does Mexico never win a medal at the Olympics? A: All the ones that can run, climb, and swim are in the US /// Q: What’s the difference between a 4 year old and a bag of cocaine? A: Eric Clapton would never let cocaine fall out of a window. The kid was a great writer though, did 12 stories before he died. /// A little kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says look ma, I’m a white man . She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma. He goes to his grandma and says look, I’m a white man . She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father. He goes to his father and says look dad, I’m a white man He slaps him too and asks what have you learned? The boy says, I’ve only been white two minutes and I already hate you black bastards. /// A Priest and a Rabbi are talking when a small boy walks by. The priest says, Wanna fuck that kid? The Rabbi says, Out of what? /// A friend and I were walking along the railroad tracks when he said to me Right up here is my favorite place. A few weeks ago I found a bottle of old granddad’s whiskey. I drank it and was drunk the rest of the day. I said: no kidding? My favorite place is up here too. Last week I found a girl tied to the railroad tracks. I untied her and we fucked for three days straight. That’s awesome! Said my friend, did she give good head? I looked at him and said I don’t know, I never did find that part. /// I once went to an Ethiopian restaurant, we waited until we were hungry then left. /// Q: What’s the most confusing day in Harlem? A: Fathers Day. /// Q: Why does Eric Clapton use a Mac? A: Windows killed his son. /// Q: What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A: Women /// Q: Why can’t you fool an aborted baby? A: Because it wasn’t born yesterday. /// Q: Why do black people only have nightmares? A: Because we killed the last one who had a dream. /// Q: What’s the best part about dead baby jokes? A: They never get old. /// Q: What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? A: Michael Phelps can finish a race. /// Q: Why does Beyonc sing to the left, to the left? A: Because blacks have no rights. /// Never play Uno with a mexican; they always steal your green cards /// An elderly Jewish woman wins the lottery, $30 million after taxes. She goes to her Rabbi to discuss what to do with the money. She first says, I’d like to spend $10 million on myself and my family. The Rabbi replies, It would be good to enjoy your winnings, and family is important. She then says she’d like to donate another $10 million to the synagogue and the charity they run, since the synagogue has always been there for her, she’d like to give back. The Rabbi says they could always use the money. Then she says I’d like to spend the last $10 million on a ten-foot golden statue of Adolf Hitler. Naturally the Rabbi is quite horrified. Why would you want to memorialize such a monster? he cries. She rolls up her sleeve and responds, He gave me the winning numbers. /// Q: What’s better than winning a Silver medal at the special Olympics? A: Not being retarded. /// Q: What’s difference between a black guy and a pizza? A: A pizza can feed a family of four. /// Q: Why don’t Spics and Niggers get married? A: They are afraid their children will be too lazy to steal. /// Two black guys are sitting at a bar when a gay man walks in and asks them if they’d like some blowjobs. The two black guys immediately beat the shit out of him and return to their seats. The bartender asks What the hell did you do that for? One of the black guys says Well, I’m not sure exactly what he said but he said something about jobs. /// Q: Why is aspirin white? A: You want it to work don’t you? /// Q: What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A: It only takes one nail to hang up the picture. /// A: What’s the biggest dilemma for a Jew? Q: Free pork /// A plane is out of fuel and losing altitude quickly. The pilot tells the crew that they have run out items to throw out of the plane and need to start throwing people out in order to land safely. The crew asks how to decide who to sacrifice. The pilot says to just go alphabetically. A flight attendant then announces to the passengers, Could all of the Africans, Blacks, and Colored-people please come to the front of the plane . A black child turns to his father and asks, Should we go to the front daddy? . The father responds, No, son, we’re niggers today. /// Q: A black guy and a Mexican guy are in a car, who is driving? A: The police officer. /// Asians are so terrible at driving, I’m beginning to believe pearl harbor was an accident. /// They say that there’s strength in numbers. Tell that to six million Jews. /// Q: What do elevators in Ethiopia say? A: 100 kg or 200 people /// Q: What’s the difference between Jews and Santa Claus? A: Santa comes down the chimney /// Q: What’s the difference between cancer and Black people? A: Cancer got Jobs /// Q: How does a black woman fight crime? A: She has an abortion /// Q: What’s the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A: A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven. /// Q: What’s the difference between a nigger and a snow tire? A: A snow tire doesn’t sing when you put chains on it. /// Roses are red, Violets are blue, We’re having sex, Because I’m stronger than you /// Q: Do you know why so many black people believe in God? A: Because he’s the only father they will ever know. /// Snigger -> Laughrican American /// A little boy asks his dad what’s the difference between a pussy and a cunt . Dad goes and gets one of his Playboy magazines and opens it the centerfold. See that hairy thing between her legs? That’s the pussy, everything else around it is the cunt. /// Q: What do black people and tornadoes have in common? A: It only takes one to ruin a neighbourhood. /// A black guy’s walking in a park, when he sees a Chinese man skip rocks across a pond. He approaches the man and asks what he’s doing. The Chinese man replies, Whenever I skip a rock, I can hear the names of my ancestors. He skips a rock across the pond, and they both hear a CHING CHANG CHONG. The black man grabs a rock and skips it across the pond. There’s nothing to be heard. Huh? , the black guy said, That must have been my father. /// Q: Why do Ethiopian girls give the best blow jobs? A: You know she’ll swallow. /// Q: What do black people and bikes have in common? A: They stop working when you take the chains off /// Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? A: Nothing. I already told her twice /// Q: What’s worse than a holocaust? A: 6 million jews. /// Q: What song was I singing about the Twin Towers? A: It’s raining men /// Q: How does a Black girl know that she’s pregnant? A: She pulls her tampon out and all the cotton has been picked. /// Did you hear about the two car pile-up in Mexico? 200 people died /// Q: How come Jesus couldn’t walk on water? A: He had holes in his feet. /// Q: Why can’t Mexicans be firemen? A: because they can’t tell the difference between Jos and Hose-B /// Q: What is the hardest part about being a pedophile? A: Fitting in. /// A Mexican, a Black guy, and a White guy come across a Genie in a lamp. The Genie says he’ll grant each of them a wish. The Mexican says, I’d love for all my people to be reunited in Mexico, and to have it become a great nation at last!’ The Genie grants his wish, and the Mexican disappears. The Black guy says, likewise, i want all my people to enjoy a united Africa, free of persecution, together. The Genie grants his wish, and the guy disappears to Africa. the White supremacist says, so you’re telling me all the Niggers and Spics are gone? The Genie nods. Well in that case, I’ll have a coke. /// Q: Why did they plant trees in Harlem? A: Public transportation. /// Yesterday, I failed my biology exam. The question was: Name something commonly found in cells. Apparently, Niggers wasn’t the right answer. /// Q:What did Adolf Hitler get his neice for her birthday? A: An easy bake oven. /// Q: Who are the two most famous black women? A: Aunt Jemima and Mother Fucker. /// Q: How do you blindfold an Asian? A: With dental floss. /// Q: How was the first copper wire made? A: Two Jews grabbed the same penny /// Q: Why do Asians have squinty eyes? A: Because atomic bombs are really bright. /// A Chinese man goes to a mine to get a job. The hiring guy is only picking the biggest, strongest men so when this slight Asian man begs for a job, he turns him down but every day he’s back. Finally after about a week of this, the guy tells him he’s hired as the new supplies guy. Next day, the miners are doing their job and picks and axes are breaking left and right. They are wondering when on earth the supply guy is going to come down with a fresh load of tools. Just when they were down to their last few tools and about ready to climb to the surface to find out what happened they hear the sound of the mining cart heading down the track. It comes hurtling to their area and rolls to a stop but they can see no one in it. Just as they start to approach the car the little Chinese man pops up and yells SUPPLIES! /// The End
Russian Yeltsin Joke Here’s one of those great old stale Russian jokes. Quick context; Yeltsin presided over the gutting and corruption of a lot of Russian government companies. A man drives up to the Kremlin and parks his car outside. As he is getting out a policemen hurriedly flusters over and says You can’t park there! That’s right under Yeltsin’s window! The man looks perplexed for a second but then smiles and calmly replies: No need to worry officer, I made sure to lock the car I got it from a good book called Oilopoly, about Russia’s oil and such things.
Someone stole all the toilets from the local police station Detectives have nothing to go on.
A young boy asks his father if gardeners’ thumbs are really green The father says, No, son, it’s just an expression. Like when police catch a criminal red handed. The thief’s hands aren’t really red, they are black like normal.
Shipment of Viagra was stolen from new York harbor The cops are on the lookout for hardened criminals
A woman stumbles into the police headquarters……. And says Help me! I was raped by an Irishman! The police are quick to ask How do you know it was an Irishman? because I had to help him…..
A man, walking with a brick tied to a dog leash… A policeman is walking down the road when he sees a man with a brick tied to a dog leash. He decides to go and humor him, walks up to the man and says, Hello sir, I like your dog! The man looks at the brick, then the policeman, and says, It’s not a dog, it’s a brick. The policeman replies, Oh, sorry, I thought you … never mind, and walks off, puzzled. As the policeman goes out of sight, the man turns to the brick and says, We fooled him, didn’t we Buddy? Yes we did, yes we did!
What can happen when a car breaks down? A woman’s car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. What’s going on here? the cop asks. My car just broke down, the woman responds. NO, I mean those two guys, the cop continues. Oh, the woman replies, they’re just my emergency flashers.
Questionably funny Knock Knock Who’s there? Police Police who? Police open the door Posted this in anti-jokes since it is not really funny, and was told to put it here.
