A couple with five kids… A couple with five kids had to be careful when trying to have sexy times. The codenamed it, doing the laundry. One day the husband was trying to get frisky, but the wife just had too much to do with the kids. Well she thought, he has been working a lot of overtime to pay for christmas and has been attentative to every other need that has come up. She calls her sister and makes plans for her to pick up one of the kids giving her some extra time that day. She walks up behind him and whispers, I have some time to help you out with that laundry. It’s ok sweetie, it was a small load, I did it by hand.
The double meaning of Christmas! I bought a new 6 foot, artificial, LED Christmas tree yesterday. The sales assistant asked Are you putting this up yourself sir? No, it’s going in the living room as usual I replied.
A Gnome and A Reindeer take a picture together What is it called when a gnome and a reindeer take an instant picture of themselves – A S-ELF-IE POLE-ROID
Santa Clause is Coming So there are speakers in the bathrooms at my office, and they have been playing Christmas songs all month. I’m not a big fan of this. It’s not that I don’t like Christmas songs, it’s just.. I’d rather not hear about how Santa is always watching me while I’m trying to rub one out during lunch.
An old Saint’s joke A Cajun died and went to hell. The devil assigned him the usual punishment…put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later, surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much less sweating. How come you’re not so much as sweating here where everyone else is screaming for relief from the heat? The Cajun laughed and said, Man, I was raised in the bayous of Sout Looziana. Dis ain’t nothin’ but May in Morgan City to me! The devil decided to really put the Cajun through it. He put him in a sealed off cave in the pit with open blazes and four extra furnaces blasting. When he came back, days later, the Cajun was sitting pretty, had barely begun to sweat. The devil was outraged.. How is this possible!? You should be melted to a shrieking puddle in these conditions!. The Cajun laughed even harder than before. Hey, man! I done tole you. I was raised in Sout Looziana. You tink dis is heat?! Dis ain’t nothin’ but August in Cow Island ! So the devil thought, ‘Alright, a little reverse ought to do the trick.’ He put the Cajun into a corner of hell where no heat ever reached. It was freezing, and to add to the Cajun’s misery, he added massive icebergs and blasting frozen air. When he returned, the Cajun was shivering, ice hung from every part of him, but he was grinning like it was Christmas. Exasperated, the devil asked HOW!? How is it possible?! You’re impervious to heat and here you sit in conditions you can’t be used to…freezing cold, and yet you’re happier than if you were in heaven. WHY?! The Cajun kept grinning and asked, Don’t dis mean de Saints won da Super Bowl?
days ’til xmas Today is December 10th, there is is only 14 shoplifting days til xmas. Now get out there
My wife was wearing a short skirt as she stood at the top of a Christmas tree… My wife was standing on a set of steps wearing a short skirt as she placed the star at the top of the Christmas tree. I couldn’t resist, I shoved my head up, slipped her pants to the side and gave her fanny a right good licking. Everyone else in the church hall looked mortified.
Have you heard about the dyslexic satanist? Sold his soul to Santa.
Two prostitutes are discussing one asks the other: -What did you ask to Santa Claus this year? the other one answers: -Fifty dollars like everybody else
Oh, Floyd! Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?” ”Yes, what can I do for you?” ”I’m calling to report my neighbor Virgil Smith. He’s hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.” ”Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood… only to find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly the phone rings at Virgil’s house. ”Hey, Virgil, This here’s Floyd… Did the Sheriff come by?” ”Yeah!” ” Did they chop your firewood for the winter?” ”Yep!” Merry Christmas, buddy!”
– My name is Aragorn… son of Arathorn, and am called Elessar, the Elfstone, Dúnadain, the heir of Isildur Elendil’s son of Gondor. – Sir, that does NOT fit on your Starbuck’s cup! – Ok, just put ‘Bob’ in it…
Ok, r/Jokes, I I realize that it’s still Thanksgiving, but I need your help: what are your dirtiest Santa/elf related jokes? My girlfriend is wanting to get kinky in an elf costume tomorrow, and Santa is in need of some good puns for the naughty dirty talk…
Somewhere off Gilligan’s Island… On a Christmas cruise on a luxury ocean liner in the Pacific, a passenger sees seven straggly people on a small island jumping up and down and waving their hands and shouting. Who are they? the passenger asks the captain. I’ve no idea. But each year when we pass, they go nuts.
Just in time for the holidays A guy goes back to his home town for Christmas, and he stops by the local diner to get his favorite breakfast, eggs Benedict. But he has a special request, he wants it served on a big shiny metal plate. The waiter doesn’t understand why, so he asks him Sir, why do you want eggs Benedict on a shiny metal plate? And the man says Because there’s no place like chrome for the hollandaise.
I think Christmas is made for Mexicans only… …why else would you wish Merry Christmas to every Juan!? *badumtss*
Merry Christmas Its Christmas Eve and Santa comes down the chimney and sees a hot girl sitting there. She says Santa, please stay. Santa says ho ho ho gotta go gotta go gotta deliver presents to the children I know. So she takes off her shirt and pants and says Santa please stay. Santa says ho ho ho gotta go gotta go gotta deliver presents to the children I know. So she takes off her bra and panties and says Santa please stay. Santa says hey hey hey gotta stay gotta stay can’t get up the chimney with my dick this way!
What’s the best thing about being a meth addict? Only four more sleeps ’til Christmas!
Jewish house on Christmas You know if a house is Jewish on Christmas if there’s a parking meter on the roof.
A Christmas Joke (…maybe a LITTLE early) The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, Are you going to put that tree up yourself? The guy replied, Don’t be disgusting! I’m going to put it in the living room!
What’s the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at three Ho’s.
New Mexico Chili Cook-off NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico. For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3. Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy. CHILE # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILE Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.. Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick. Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting ****-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 — Black bean chile with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile. Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT … just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILE # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILE # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILE # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILE # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 – No Report.
Another Santa-Banta Joke During sex ,Santa suddenly stops & remains motionless…. Wife: What the hell are you doing? Santa: I have seen this on youtube… Its called BUFFERING
Two schoolgirls are coming home from Sunday school one day… One turns to the other and says, Do you believe in the devil? The other one says, Don’t be silly, of course not, the devil is like Santa; it’s only your dad. Season one episode two of the BBC’s Luther. **** *http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/Luther/70175633
My Favorite Christmas Joke. Little girl sits on Santa’s lap. Santa: What would you like for Christmas? Little Girl: I want a Barbie and a G.I.Joe. Santa: Little girl don’t you know Barbie comes with Ken? Little Girl: No Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she cums with G.I.Joe.
A nerdy sysadmin joke for today Why do programmers think Halloween’s the same as Christmas? Because 31OCT == 25DEC (thank you very much)
Some great one-liners from Phyllis Diller Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off. Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag. I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me. There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’ You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
The death Symphony (x post from /r/feghoot) TL;DR monkey poo makes great pudding. In the mid 1950s the New York philharmonic was one of the best Symphony Orchestras in the world. And conducting was Major Jorge Fillmore. George Fillmore was a WWII vet who loved music, and found that conducting helped him keep his PTSD at a minimum (although PTSD had yet to be understood by the medical community, let alone given a name). The flow of the notes soothed his soul and the power of conducting such a large group to produce something so beautiful reminded him of his time commanding his troops through the dangers of war. On a cold December night, the New York Philharmonic was warming up for their Christmas performance. The upper class from all around poured into Carnegie Hall and greeted one another. Conductor Fillmore got ready in the back room and the orchestra was out on stage, behind the curtain, getting ready to play, and practicing their most difficult runs. Then when the time came and everyone was seated, the first chair violinist came on stage to much applause. He tuned the orchestra and then out came Major George Fillmore, his coat tails flowing behind him like curtains in the brease, as he walked briskly to the podium. He turned and bowed deeply to the audience and then addressed the orchestra and motioned to start the first piece. The audience well acquainted with these pieces sat quietly, enjoying the soft notes of Mozart as they floated through the hall. But as quickly as everyone had relaxed to the music, they were pulled from their stuppor by a loud gunshot. Then screaming. The orchestra all scrambled for the exits, trying to keep their instruments safe. As the smoke settled and everyone calmed down, they found a dead French horn player, and the smoking gun in the hand of none other than Major George Fillmore. The French horn player had flubbed a note in his solo and Major Fillmore had snapped and shot him. Major Fillmore claimed that he thought the player was wearing something that resembled a swastika and had triggered a flash back and caused him to shoot the player. But the orchestra knew that he had been yelling at that particular horn player for several weeks when he had been unable to play the solo properly. In the following weeks, a large and publicized trial was held. Fillmore was stripped of his rank and sentenced to death by electric chair. Following the trial, George was held in prison for several years as he tried to appeal and at least lessen his sentence but unfortunately after lots of trying, the day came that he was to be killed. As a kindness to those about to die, the prison allowed the prisoners to request anything to eat, within reason. As it was this time for George, they asked him what he would like for his last meal. well, said George, I like bananas… So I guess I guess I would love a bunch of bananas. So they brought him a bunch of bananas. And within an hour he had eaten every single banana in the bunch, and with that, he was lead to the chair. They strapped him in and connected all the leads, and after saying his final farewells, they threw the switch. The first pulse of electricity was used to kill the brain and make the victim unconscious. Then a second pulse is used to cause the internal organs to fail. However, George was barely phased by the first pulse, and then started to convulse slowly during the second phase. Then everything fell quiet. Was that it? asked George. Umm.. That’s a first. said one of the scientists that had helped develop the chair. They decided to put George back in prison while they made a few modifications to the chair. They decided to pull more power from the grid and just pump more juice to the chair. Hopefully this would at least kill him, but it could be more painful. Once the modifications had been made, they brought George back. The prison warden had some pity for him, so he allowed him to have a second last meal. When asked what he wanted to eat, George said that he loved the bananas he had had before, this time he would like two bunches of bananas. Sure enough within the hour, George had eaten both bunches of bananas, and was lead right back to that chair. They strapped him in again and threw the switch. When the first pulse hit him he clearly went unconscious, and all the lights in the surrounding city block dimmed noticably. And then during the second pulse, the current and voltage was so strong that lightning covered most of his torso, arcing from the helmet to the back plate to his arm rests. When the pulse was over, they pulled him from the chair and laid him on a gurney and they rolled him down the hallway toward the morgue. As they reached the morgue, suddenly George sat upright. He looked around and let loose a howling scream that was unlike any sound the doctors had ever heard. He then fell back to the gurney but kept breathing. Several hours later, he woke up again and was perfectly fine. The scientists, puzzled, decided that they really needed to finish him off once and for all. They had the electricity from all the surrounding towns, re routed to the chair. There was more power going to this chair than the Las Vegas Strip. Sure that this time they would kill him, they brought him back from the hospital, and gave him what they were sure would actually be his last meal. Again, curiously, he ordered bananas. But he ordered 3 bunches this time. And as with the last two times, he ate every single banana within an hour. They brought him in and strapped him in, and flipped the switch. This time lightning erupted from George and the chair, arcing across the room like a massive tesla coil. The man who flipped the switch, not realizing the danger, had been struck dead by the massive arcs and everyone else stood cowering in the viewing room waiting for it all to be over. Once it was over, they carefully pulled him from the chair, his hair singed off and second and third degree burns all over his body. They carried him down to the morgue where they double checked that he was dead. But alas. His heart was still beating. The scientists, determined to find out how he had survived, asked that he be nursed back to health so that they could ask him how he had survived. After several months, George Fillmore came out of his coma, and the scientists all gathered around and asked him, How did you survive the chair three times?! well, said George, I guess I’m just a bad conductor.
Santa and Banta Santa: Why did people stop printing stamps with photo of Pamela Anderson? Banta: Because people started licking the wrong side of it for pasting them on the envelopes..
lost wife Santa & Banta both lost their wives and were searching for them when they bumped into each other Where are you hurrying to? asked Banta I lost my wife! Really? Even mine. How did yours look like? hmm… She was tall, slim, had huge tits, sexy soft and sweet ass, she was wearing a mini skirt at last, What about you? Forget mine lets search for yours! replied Banta.
And that’s how the fight started… (x-post /r/funny) My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’ ‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’ … She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’ So I said, Then I’d like to phone a friend. And that’s when the fight started… ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please. He said, Aren’t you worried about the mad cow? Nah, she can order for herself. And that’s when the fight started… _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, Do you know him? Yes , she sighed, He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since. My God! I said, Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? And then the fight started… ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway. And that’s when the fight started… _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, What’s on TV? I said, Dust. And then the fight started… ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, The weather out there is terrible. My loving wife of 5 years replied, And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that? And that’s how the fight started… _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started… ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’ And then the fight started… ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. I replied, Your eyesight’s damn near perfect. And then the fight started… ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’ So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’ And that’s when the fight started… ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year! And that’s how the fight started… ————————————- **[Original Post](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/1mylpg/how_the_fight_startedfound_on_facebook/)**
Heavenly Christmas After an accident, three dead souls find themselves at the pearly gates, waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to Christmas. The first man searches his pocket and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, How do these represent Christmas? The man responded, They’re Carol’s.
[Joke Requests] Im going as santa to a christmas party tonight and I need some good one-liners and jokes! Im not looking for long winded jokes that have a punch line, more just quick witted (Some corny, some not) jokes to say. Somewhat along the lines of can santa get some ho ho hos? or stuff like that.
All Aboard!! A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her young son. He was playing with his new electric train, in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks. The mother went nuts and told her son, We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language. Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. She hears the little boy continue, For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. As the mother began to smile, the child added, For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!
Seasonal joke I wrote (in Spanish) I’m a native English speaker, and I wrote this joke while on vacation in Mexico at Christmas time: I have no idea how to do accents – My Spanish is pretty much just spoken… Que dijo la persona que estaba callendo de un edificio muy muy alto en diciembre? Feliz gravidad! (Translation: What did the person falling from the very very tall building in december say? Happy Gravity!)
A man dies and gets to the pearly gates At the pearly gates he is greeted by St. Peter who is standing next to a ladder that rises up into the clouds. Welcome, St. Peter said, to your great reward. The newly deceased man stood speechless looking around, trying desperately to process and understand the reality of the view that stood before him. His eyes wandered over to the ladder. As he looked it up and down, St. Peter notices his fascination. He smiles and informs the man that he may enter paradise there, through the pearly gates, or he could climb the ladder to success. The man stood silent, considering his options, as well as the odd fact that heaven might have a ladder, let alone one that would lead to success. He figured, however, that he was already dead, and his luck could only really go up from here. He walked over to the ladder, giving one last look at St. Peter and his pearly gates, and started to climb up into the clouds. Below him, fading into the haze, St. Peter’s welcoming smile. The man climbed until he reached another level of solid ground, or rather what might be considered solid ground in heaven’s cloudy plane. He hopped off the ladder and stood in front of another gate, this one gold. There was no St. Peter this time to usher him in to eternity. In his place stood two beautiful women, easily two of the most beautiful he had ever seen, on this plane or in life. They greet the man and inform him that, like below with St. Peter, he may enter paradise there or climb the ladder to success. The man looked up at the ladder which stretched still upwards into the clouds. He had neglected to consider that there might be more after this. As before, he considered his options. He quickly came to the conclusion that he would be an absolute fool to not continue upwards. He bid the lovely ladies farewell and continued his trek upwards to success. Again, the man reached another solid stretch of clouds that held yet another gate and two new women in front. The gate this time, however, was a shimmering platinum that seemed to reflect or even glow with all the glory heaven might offer. This gate’s keepers were two even more beautiful women who, as each other entity had done before here at the entrance to the afterlife, inform him of his option to enter heaven there or to climb the ladder to success. While he was in awe of the beauty, this time he barely took his foot off of the ladder before he was right back on it, smiling like a little child who finally understood Christmas. He climbed to the next level, hopping off the ladder and tripping over himself, giddy at the prospect of the next site he might witness. Just like his previous experiences so far, he was not disappointed. His eyes looked upon a site his years on earth had given him no vocabulary to describe. I am also sad to inform you that even I, telling you this story, fail at finding words. This was the gate to paradise. This was the promise of providence and the testament to both the power and the glory that was spoken of in psalms and uttered on the breaths of billions and billions of tiny prayers whispered by souls forgotten in the eternal ether. This gate was the proof those prayers were heard. The man learned the meaning of the word awe as he stood slumped, Slack-jawed, and speechless as his tearing eyes took in the site. From seemingly out of no where walked this gate’s keeper, a woman whose beauty was unmatched. She appeared to the man to be the sum of all of existence’s beauty, grace, and kindness. She met the poor newly-lost soul with a tender caress, speaking, Poor, wanderer, I know you have come so far to reach here, not just climbing, but with the long, testing journey that is life. Here, she grabbed his hand and led him to the entrance you may enter and receive your great reward. The man stood in front of eternity frozen, letting a gentle breeze blow across his cheek, through his hair, and through his fingers. He smiled a true, honest, pure smile. The peaceful moment was broken by the angelic creature, who, again, placed the same offer in front of him as before: You are free to enter here, but the ladder to success continues on, if you wish. For a moment, the man thought that this might be enough. Why push it any farther? On the other hand, look at what he was able to witness! How could he not continue upwards? What could possibly be next? It is your choice: enter here, or continue on the ladder to success. The man backed away, almost painfully, and started walking one slow, agonizing footstep at a time towards the ladder. He got to the ladder, put one foot on the rung, and gave one last gaze upon the wonder before him as he climbed upward. At the next and, as he would soon find out, final plane, the man hopped off the ladder. He looked up and saw it didn’t continue on into the clouds! He had reached the top! He had climbed to the top of the ladder to success! As he eagerly awaited the final glory, he watched the ladder to success disappear and the hole it came through close. He stood looking out on an endless field of clouds, looking for a gate. This time, though, there was no gate and no girl. Out from the distance walked a big balding man in sweats and a tank top scratching his nuts. Shocked, the dead man asked the new figure, who are you? Are you God? No, the being replied, I’m Ces.
Where do the gays in New Mexico live? Santa FE GUURLL!!!!
A man goes to China for a business trip November… … And the hotel that he stays at is rather close to the business so he decides to walk there. While walking there he sees an blind old monk sitting by the road. He seemed to be meditating so he ignored him. On the way back from his meeting, the same blind monk stands up and stops him. The monk then whispers in his ear You shall receive a toolbox, a number of books (4 to be exact), and a new car this holiday . The monk then sits right back where he was and continues meditating. This is strange to the businessman so he continues on his way. He leaves for the US a couple of days later. That Christmas day, the businessman received exactly as the monk said. His son provided the toolbox, his wife and three daughters give him books, and his boss comes in a little later to give him a new car for Christmas. Remembering the monk’s prediction, the businessman is amazed. Because he did so well on his previous trip, the businessman is once again sent to China a couple of months later. He finds himself at the same hotel he previously was, so he decides to go out and see if he can find the blind monk from before. Sure enough he sees the monk meditating like he was before. He walks up to monk and says You may not remember me, but you made a prediction on what I was getting this Christmas. I wanted to let you know that you were 100% correct in your prediction. The blind man stops meditating and states: It was quite easy my friend. How do you mean easy? The businessman inquires, You are blind The old monk smiles and says, Because I am blind, I cannot see and must use my hands to feel around my surroundings. As it is such, all I had to do was feel your presents.
Why does Mrs. Claus not have any kids? Because Santa only comes once a year and that’s down a chimney.
What’s the difference between a fake orgasm and a fake Christmas tree? Not everyone can tell when you have a fake Christmas tree.
The Day after Christmas The day after Christmas in Dallas, Texas, a young girl is riding her very first bright red bicycle. A police officer on a horse trots over to her. And he asks Little girl, did Santa get you that bike? And she replies Why, yes he did! The officer then hands her a $25 ticket, and says Next year, make sure Santa gets you a helmet. Discouraged, the girl takes the ticket, looks up at the officer and asks Did Santa get you that horse Mr Police officer? The policeman chuckles and says Why yes he did! The young girl then replies Next year, tell Santa that the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top of it.
Time to pun-ish you all! A rope walked into a bar. The bartender looked at it and said, Hey! No ropes in here! So the rope walked out. Once outside, it twisted upon itself a number of times, then rubbed it’s short free end until it was just a bunch of fibers without any organization. Upon completion of this, the rope walked back into the bar. The bartender looked at it and asked, Are you a rope? The rope responded, I am a frayed knot. A man walked into Denny’s shortly before christmas. He was seated and ordered eggs benedict. He was surprised when the waiter brought his food out on a shiny, new hubcap. When he inquired as to why, the waiter responded, There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Why’s making love so enjoyable? Pappu: Why’s making love so enjoyable? Santa: It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger!! Pappu: Why do women enjoy more sex than men? Santa: It’s because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger. Pappu: Why do women hate it when they get raped? Santa: It is like when you are walking down the street, someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it? Pappu: Why women cant have sex when they are having their periods? Santa: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it? Pappu: Why men dont like to wear condoms when they are making love? Santa: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger? Pappu: Why is making love carried out in private? Santa: Will you dig your nose in front of your class? Idiot!!!
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper ? He sold his soul to Santa.
A cop on horse says to little girl on bike… Did Santa get you that? Yes, replies the little girl. Then the cop says Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year! and he fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that? The cop chuckles and replies, He sure did! Well, says the little girl, Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!
Who Am I? One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night. the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I. The mailman thinks a moment and says, How do you play that? Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our privates showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is. The mailman laughs and says, Damn, I’m sorry I missed that. Probably a good thing you did, Bob responds. Your name came up four or five times.
THINGS I LEARNED LIVIN’ IN LOUISIANA Enjoy! 1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. 2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Louisiana . 3) There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 of them live in Louisiana . 4) If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha. 5) Onced and Twiced are words.. 6) It is not a shopping cart, it’s a buggy. 7) Jawl-P? means, Did y’all go to the bathroom? People actually grow and eat okra. 9) Fixinto is one word. 10) There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper… 11) Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.. 12) Backwards and forwards means, I know everythin’ ’bout you. 13) The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning, Did you eat? 14) You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is.. You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see… 15) You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH ’em. 16) You measure distance in minutes. 17) You switch from heat to A/C in the same day. 18) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal. 19) You know what a Dawg is. 20) You carry jumper cables in your car – for your own car. 21) You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony Chachere’s, Tabasco , and ketchup. 22) The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and LSU football… 23) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. 24) You find 100 degrees a bit warm. 25) You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas. 26) Going to Walmart is a favorite past time known as Goin’ Walmartin or off to Wally World. 27) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather.. 28) Fried catfish is the other white meat. 29) We don’t need no dang Driver’s Ed. . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive. 30) You understand these jokes and forward them to your Louisiana friends and those who just wish they were from Louisiana !!!!
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . . Did you get that for your birthday? asked Little Johnny. Nope. replied Jimmy. Well, did you get it for Christmas then? . Again Jimmy says Nope. You didn’t steal it, did you? asks Little Johnny. No, said Jimmy. I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. What do you want now? I wanna watch, Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.
I hate myself a little for this… What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! …Nah, just kidding! *He still hasn’t unwrapped his present!!!*
Little Girl, police officer, and Santa A little girl is riding her bicycle down the street when she comes up to a stoplight. A cop on a horse pulls up next to her and says, Nice bike you got there. Did you get it from Santa? The little girl says yes. The cop gives her a ticket and says Next year, tell him to put reflectors on the bike. The little girl says, Nice horse you got there. Did you get it from Santa? and the cop says yes. The little girl says, Next year, tell Santa the dick goes under the horse, not on top and rides away.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa
