Contagious A teacher asks her class to use the word ‘contagious’. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious . Well done, Roland says the teacher. Can anyone else try ? Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s contagious . Well done, Katie says the teacher. Anyone else? Little Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch Brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar… -You know – says the Englishman – I have 10 sons. That is almost a soccer team. -That’s nothing. – says the Irishman – I have 14 sons. That is almost a rugby team. -Well – says the Scotsman – I have 17 daughters. That is almost a golf course.
Irish chili How many beans do you put in Irish chili? Two hundred and thirty-nine. Why? Because one more would be two-farty.
Profound Irish man The other night while walking to work I ran into this severely drunken Irish man. This man was full to the brim, there’s no way he could have been any drunker! As we got closer to each other he slurred in a drunken Irish accent scuse meh, av u the time? I looked at him up and down and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I said mate, look at the state of you! You’ve lost a flip flop! He looked down then back up to me and without hesitation replied ayye, loost a flip flopp or found eh flip flop?
Worst Ethnic Joke Ever An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant…. ……. I’m sorry, said the maitre d’, you can’t come in here without a Thai.
An Irishman applies to a job at a Blacksmiths Have you any experience at shoeing horses? asks the Blacksmith No says the Irishman but i once told a donkey to fuck off
A Texan walks into an Irish pub… and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone? The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .
The Irishman and the three beers An Irishman moves to the us, on his first day he goes looking for a bar and finds one he likes once he enters he orders three beers, he drinks the beer, pays and leaves. He keeps doing this for a week then the bartender asks him: * Sir why do you always drink three beers at once instead of ordering one beer at a time? To what the Irish answers: * Well my brothers and I used to have a daily beer back in Ireland and now that live here I drink mine and one for each of my brothers The bartender leaves the man alone and he becomes a regular going daily for years, everyone who visited the bar knew about the Irishman and his three beers but one day he enters the bar and orders 2 beers, everyone gets quiet and the bartender says: * I’m sorry for your loss, your brother is in a better place now To what the Irishman responded: * My brothers are fine I just quit drinking
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman All work on a high rise building site together. One lunchtime while sat high up on the building the Englishman opens his sandwich and exclaims Ham, fucking ham again. If I get ham in my sandwiches again tomorrow I’m gonna jump! The Scotsman opens his sandwich; Haggis, fucking haggis. If I get haggis in my sandwiches again tomorrow im gonna jump! The Irishman opens his sandwich; Potato, fucking potato. If i get potato in my sandwiches again tomorrow I’m gonna jump! The next day the Englishman opens his lunch box to find ham sandwiches. Right that is lads I’m off he shouts and jumps to his death. The Scotsman opens his and sure enough its Haggis, and follows the Englishman to his death. The Irishman opens his and sure enough its Potato and follows the other two. A few days later at the funeral for them the English wife says If only he told me he wanted something different then I would have made him something else. The Scottish wife says the same. The Irish wife exclaims I wouldn’t mind but he made his own fucking lunch!!!!
There are two types of people in this world. Those who finish what they start All work on a high rise building site together. One lunchtime while sat high up on the building the Englishman opens his sandwich and exclaims Ham, fucking ham again. If I get ham in my sandwiches again tomorrow I’m gonna jump! The Scotsman opens his sandwich; Haggis, fucking haggis. If I get haggis in my sandwiches again tomorrow im gonna jump! The Irishman opens his sandwich; Potato, fucking potato. If i get potato in my sandwiches again tomorrow I’m gonna jump! The next day the Englishman opens his lunch box to find ham sandwiches. Right that is lads I’m off he shouts and jumps to his death. The Scotsman opens his and sure enough its Haggis, and follows the Englishman to his death. The Irishman opens his and sure enough its Potato and follows the other two. A few days later at the funeral for them the English wife says If only he told me he wanted something different then I would have made him something else. The Scottish wife says the same. The Irish wife exclaims I wouldn’t mind but he made his own fucking lunch!!!!
Dana White has his cock so far up Joe Rogan’s ass When he farts it stutters credit /u/Blackirishman
Three Rabbis and an Irish Catholic man play golf. Three very religious rabbis in black with long beards were playing golf. An Irish catholic, named Mulhaney, wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome in which he could play. So he joins the rabbis and plays 18 holes. At the end of the game his score is 104. The rabbis shot 69, 70 and 71. He asks them, How come you all play such good golf? The lead rabbi said, When you live a religious life, join and attend temple, you are rewarded. Mulhaney loves golf and figures, what do I have to lose. So he finds a temple close to his home, attends twice a week, converts, joins and lives a holy life. About a year later he again plays golf with the three rabbis. He shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70, 71. He says to them, Okay, I joined a temple, I live a religious life and I’m still shooting lousy. The lead rabbi said to him, What temple did you join? He said, Beth Shalom . The rabbi retorted, No No No! That one’s for tennis!
The Tea Survey An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits. ‘I always stir my tea with my left hand,’ said The Englishman. ‘I always stir my tea with my right hand,’ said The Scotsman. How about you?’ the Irishman was asked. ‘Oh me?’ said the Irishman, ‘I always use a spoon.’
An Englishman, German, and Irishman An Englishman, a German, and a Irishman are sitting in a bar, each with their favorite drink. Three flies buzzing around the bar choose to land in each of their drinks. The Englishman sees the fly in his wine and exclaims, I cannot drink this filth! Bring me a fresh brew in a new glass! The German shrugs, picks the fly out of his beer and starts drinking. The Irishman picks out the fly and begins squeezing it, yelling SPIT IT OUT YEH WEE BASTARD! SPIT IT OUT!
Sister Immaculate A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. Hey penguins, show us your boobs! shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculate, I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross. Sister Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, Screw off ye fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off! Sister Immaculate then looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, Was that cross enough?
An Irishman, Scotsman and a Englishman all book into a hotel The Irishmen books into Room 18 Floor 3, Scotsman in Room 18 Floor 2 and the englishman in Room 18 Ground Floor. Once getting their keys the irishman begans to shave out of his window, Just as the scotsman takes a piss out the window because his Toilets broke and the Englishman starts cooking his dinner. Because the Irishman had been drinking the hour before shaving he accidently dropped his razor onto the Scotsmans penis… Cutting it off. Long Story Short. When the receptionist asked the three men how their stay was they replied Irishman: My night was terrible, I have half a beard on one side of me face and no beard on ‘tee other because i dropped my razor Scotsman: My night was even worser mate, I was taking a piss and me willy got cut off by a knife falling from the sky Englishman: My night was brilliant, I went for a shower and when i came out there was a sausage on my windowsil, Best Dinner Ever. Tasted a bit bitter though
A young man is backpacking through Ireland… When he decides to go to a bar in a small town. He sits down next to a native just sipping on his drink. The native stops and says to the young man in a thick Irish accent You see this bar here! He said as he slammed his hand on the bar. I built this bar with my own two hands. Board by board nail by nail but do they call me McGregor the bar builder? NO! You see that path out there. I built that path with my own two hands but do they call me McGregor the path builder? NO! Now the young man begins to listen closely thinking he is about to get a big word of wisdom from this wise man. Continuing McGregor says You see that Pier out there! I built that pier with my own two hands. I laid the wood perfectly so that the pier would withstand the strongest storm but do the call me McGregor the pier builder? NO! He paused for a minute and the young man leaned in real close. BUT YOU FUCK ONE GOAT!
Gay Irishmen Did you hear about the first gay Irish couple? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael
An American, a German, an Irishman and an Englishman are on a plane… The plane has four engines, and one of them fails unexpectedly. The pilot says the plane cannot support their weight, so one of them is going to have to jump. The American steps forward, says I’m doing this for my country , and jumps. A while later, another engine fails. This time, the German steps forward, says I’m doing this for my country , and jumps. A while after that, another engine fails. This time the Irishman steps forward, says I’m doing this for my country , grabs the Englishman and throws him out.
My grandpa told me this one! One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, I’ll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was. An Irish boy raised his hand and said, Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick. The teacher said, Sorry, Sean, that’s not correct. Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew. The teacher replied, I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either. Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ. The teacher said, That’s absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I’ll give you your $2. As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ. I know, Miss, Adam replied, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.
Lunches An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building. The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time for lunch, I am going to jump off too. The redneck opened his lunch and said, Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping off too! The next day the Irishman opened his lunchbox and sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps off the building. The Mexican opens his lunch box and sees burritos and jumps off too. The redneck opens his lunchbox and sees bologna so he jumps to his death. At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife is weeping and says, If I had known he was tired of corned beef and cabbage I would have never given it to him again! . The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says, I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much. Everyone turned and stared at the redneck’s wife. Hey, don’t look at me she said, He makes his own lunch!
A health inspector enters a fine dining establishment. He notices by the kitchen a giant tank of water containing lobsters. It disturbs him to see that the water reaches the very top of the tank and it contains no lid. Calling over the waiter, the health inspector inquires about the tank. Can you explain to me how these lobsters don’t escape? They are Irish lobsters, says the waiter. What do you mean by that? ask the health inspector. The waiter fetches the manager who walks over to the health inspector. When posed the question about what are Irish lobsters, the manager said that it’s the fail safe reason why the lobsters neve escape. You see, said the manager, whenever one swims to far to the top, the rest pull him back down.
An infant was found abandoned in the wild… An infant was found abandoned in the wild and was raised collectively in a small Irish village. The villagers named him Billy but gave him no surname. When he turned 18, Billy decided he wanted a last name too. The parish priest told Billy that the village elders would gather and assign him a surname. They might name you after an attribute, like Strong or Wise. Or maybe some task you’ve accomplished here, like Thatcher or Fisher, the priest informed him. That afternoon the elders met. Evening came and the priest found Billy in the tavern, weeping into his pint. There, there, the priest said. Don’t weep, Billy, I’m sure the Pigfucker name will live on for generations.
Speaking of jokes that aren’t funny cut it out with the abortion ones An infant was found abandoned in the wild and was raised collectively in a small Irish village. The villagers named him Billy but gave him no surname. When he turned 18, Billy decided he wanted a last name too. The parish priest told Billy that the village elders would gather and assign him a surname. They might name you after an attribute, like Strong or Wise. Or maybe some task you’ve accomplished here, like Thatcher or Fisher, the priest informed him. That afternoon the elders met. Evening came and the priest found Billy in the tavern, weeping into his pint. There, there, the priest said. Don’t weep, Billy, I’m sure the Pigfucker name will live on for generations.
Bartender… An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender serves the 3 of them as normal. The second day, a Japanese, a Mexican, and a redneck American walk into the bar. The bartender barely puts up with their insults at each other. The third day, a horse walks into the bar. The bartender had to wait an hour before animal control arrived. The fourth day, a nun, a rabbi, and a monk walk into the bar. The bartender asks, What is this, some kind of a joke? The fifth day, an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into the bar. The bartender remarks, I guess this is /r/jokes…
Underwear Three couples were golfing, a Swedish couple, an Irish couple, and a Scottish couple. The Swede`s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. ‘Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?’, Ole demanded. ‘Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.’ The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear. Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. ‘Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?’ She replies, ‘I can’t afford any on the money you give me.’ Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!’ Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. ‘Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?’ She too explains, ‘You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.’ The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, ‘Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb….. Tidy yourself up a bit.
An Irish walks into a sex shop… An Irishman walks into a sex shop, goes up to the counter and says ‘Excuse me, I want to bring this sex doll back’ the shopworker says ‘Can you explain what is wrong with it?’ Irishman says, ‘I’ve blown it up, and it’s got a cock and a tongue when it’s supposed to be a woman’…Shopworker stares and him for a bit and goes ‘You bloody idiot, you’ve blown it up inside out!’
No Underwear Three couples were golfing, a Swedish couple, an Irish couple, and a Scottish couple. The Swede`s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. ‘Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?’, Ole demanded. ‘Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.’ The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear. Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. ‘Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?’ She replies, ‘I can’t afford any on the money you give me.’ Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!’ Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. ‘Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?’ She too explains, ‘You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.’ The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, ‘Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb….. Tidy yourself up a bit.
Seen this one in the paper… gave me a giggle An elderly Irish man lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for deaths agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the waxed paper of the the kitchen table, were dozens of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted. He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife… Clear off she said, They’re for the funeral.
Was walking past a church and I saw people walking in crying and I saw a coffin making its way in the building. I looked up and saw an Irishman repairing the church roof. I shouted to him, Hey man, what ya doing? and replied, Ah, top of the mourning!
An Irishman walks into a talent agency and he says to the judge, Hey, I’ve got this great double act I want to show you. The judge, perplexed says, Uh, well there’s only one of you. Suddenly, the Irishman’s identical twin brother jumps out from behind him and the judge remarks, Two Shay.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar… …and each take a seat and order a beer. When the Englishman gets his beer, he sees a fly floating in it, and politely asks for a different brew. The Scotsman, intrigued by this, looks into his beer and also notices a fly in it. He shrugs and picks it out. When the Irishman’s beer arrives, also containing one fly, he’s had enough. He picks up the fly, holds it very close to his mouth, and says… Spit it out, lad, spit it all out!
It’s late on St. Patrick’s day and a man is one of the last people at an Irish pub that’s ready to close up. [NSFW] Before heading out, the man goes to the bathroom to relieve himself. He walks up to a urinal and notices that standing at the next urinal over is a very short person wearing s green coat, shoes with golden buckles, and a green top hat. He also can’t help but notice that this little man appears to have an enormous penis. The man in green sees the guy looking at him and says, in a thick Irish accent, You see someting you like, lad? The man is embarrassed and apologizes. Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare. It’s just, I hope you don’t mind me asking (he’s a bit drunk), but how is it that a guy of your size is so well endowed? The little man lets out a mischievous giggle. Well you see, he says, it’s because I’m a Leprechaun. That’s just how we are. The man laughs. Well seeing you’re a Leprechaun, aren’t you supposed to grant me wishes or something? Aye The Leprechaun responds. You get t’ree The man, not believing, plays along. OK. I wish for a bag of gold. Granted. says the leprechaun. He reaches into his coat and produces a little bag filled with gold coins, and hands it over. The man, looking into the bag, is shocked. What the… Unable to believe his eyes, he decides to test the little man again. OK. my next wish is for my hair to grow back. (he’s bald) The Leprechaun says, bend your head down and I’ll make it so. And he rubs his hands together vigorously and lays them on top of the man’s bald head. By tomorrow morning, you’ll notice that your hair has started to grow back. Already the man can feel his head tingling, and he starts to feel overcome with joy over his good fortune. One more the leprechaun says. Alright, the man says, his heart racing. OK, for my last wish, I want a penis as big as yours. The leprechaun smiles and scratches his chin. Well, lad, I can make that come true, but it’s a wee bit more involved, and you aren’t going to like it. His eyes sparkle with delight. You’ll have to let me fuck you in the arse. This comes as something of a shock to the man, but he looks at the bag of gold in his hand, feels his tingling head, looks around the empty bathroom and says, well, as long as nobody knows, and it’s over quickly. Not a soul will be told the leprechaun says. So the guy turns around, pulls his pants down, and the leprechaun starts going for it. A minute or so in, the man starts to moan, Oooooh god… yes. Oh fuck! The Leprechaun is encouraged and starts to grunt louder, Mmmmmm uhn, uhn, uhn. He traces the man’s inner thigh and then gently cups his testicles. The man gasps out, NNnnnngggaaaahhhh oooOooOoo yeah… and starts convulsing as he ejaculates. He feels the leprechaun cumming inside him and grips the sides of the urinal to keep himself from collapsing to the floor in ecstasy. After a moment, the leprechaun is finished. He leans his weight against the man, pushing himself deep one last time, then falls forward onto the man’s lower back. The bathroom is silent but for the synchronized breath of the sudden lovers. They are frozen together, afraid to move lest it signal time to resume its inexorable march to reality, neither of them quite ready to let the moment end, neither of them yet willing to come to terms with the meaning of what had just occurred.
The gay marriage referendum was just passed in Ireland. The number of married gay Irish couples will be Dublin.
Billy the goat-fucker an old irishman shuffles into a bar at sundown with his eyes low and his head down the bartender says ay, billy! whats the matter. you seem troubled billy responds with you see this bar we’re standing in. I built it with me own hands! but they don’t call me the bar builder, no! and the bridge everyone uses to cross the river to get to the market, i built that that with me own hands too! but do the call me the bridge builder? no, they do not. and the wall that protects our city, i built that with me own hands too! and they don’t call me the wall builder neither. BUT YOU FUCK ONE GOAT!…
Which has less drunks: an Irish wedding or an Irish funeral? An Irish funeral has one less drunk.
OH HELL!! … Let’s Offend Everybody! Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem? A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat. Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A. A different bar. Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby? A. Sum Ting Wong. Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A speech impediment. Q. Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? A. Because they’re not going to work in the future either. Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe. Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the ‘F’ word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, ‘BINGO!’ Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale??? A. A northern fairytale begins…’Once upon a time…’ A southern fairytale begins… ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.’ Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
Ireland has suffered its worst aviation disaster in history after a 2 seat Cessna crashed in a graveyard this evening… Irish Search and Rescue say they have recovered 835 bodies so far and expect to find far more as digging continues throughout the night.
Time in a prisoner-of-war camp 3 prisoners of war – an Englander, an American and an Irishman are marched in to see the German commandant. The commandant says, I vill let you go if you say, tick tock . Say tick tock and I vill let you go. So the Englander says, tick tock old chap , and the German says, you may go The American says, tick tock buddy , and the German says, you may go . The Irishman thinks to himself that this must be some form of trickery, so he says, TICK , to which the German replies…. Ve haf vays of making you TOCK!
Irish virginity test kit Paddy is planning to marry and asks his doctor how he can tell if his bride – to – be is still a virgin. The doc says, Aye Paddy, all Irish use 3 things for what we call a DIY virginity test kit.. A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a hammer. Paddy asks, Aye and what do I do with these things Doctor ? Doctor replies, Well before you get into bed on your wedding night, paint one of your balls red and paint the other one blue. ……….. If she says, That’s the strangest pair of balls I have ever seen ……………. Then you hit her in the head with the hammer!
Irish man’s first baseball game. An Irish man went to his first American baseball game. As the first batter made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, RUN! RUN! The Irish man jumped up as well yelling, Run, laddie! Run laddie! The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, RUN! RUN! The Irish man jumped up yelling Run laddie! Run laddie! The third batter got up got ball 1…ball 2…ball 3…ball 4…..The umpire yelled Take your base! The batter jogged to the base. The Irish man jumped up an yelled Run laddie! Run laddie! Another fan looked at him and said, He does not need to run, for he has 4 balls! The Irish man’s jaw dropped, and turned and said, Walk with pride, lad! Walk with pride!
Cork man on Mastermind In a similar vein to the Irish millionaire joke posted earlier. Mick from County Cork in Ireland is on Mastermind. His specialist subject: the 1916 Easter rising . The questions begin. John Humphreys: who was the leader of the military during the Rising? Mick: Pass John Humphrys: Where were the weapons for the Easter Rising hidden? Mick: Pass John Humphrys: The majority of the funding for the rising came from where? Mick: Pass Suddenly a voice pipes up from the audience, it’s Mick’s friend Paddy, GOOD MAN MICK he says DON’T TELL THEM A FUCKIN THING
The United Kingdom and their wide variety of fucks. Two men are at the bar, making some idle conversation. One of the men is a linguist, and decides to tell his friend an interesting story. Hey, man! Did you know that, in the UK, each country has its own version of ‘fuck?’ His friend replies, I haven’t heard of that before, man. What’s the English way? Well, go figure, they say ‘fuck’. Huh. What about the Scots? How do their ‘fucks’ go? The scots tend to go Feck! What bout the Irish? What are their fucks? ‘The Irish fucks sound like Fook ! And the Welsh? What does the Welsh fuck sound like? A Welsh fuck goes ‘Baaaaaaahhh’.
The Irish Millionaire Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. You’ve done very well so far, said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it? Sure, said Mick. I’ll have a go! Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo? I haven’t got a clue. said Mick, ”So I’ll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. Fookin hell, Mick! cried Paddy. Dat’s simple it’s a cuckoo. Are you sure? I’m fookin sure. Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer. Is that your final answer? asked Chris. Dat it is. There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros! The next night, Mick went round to Paddy’s to buy him a drink. Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest? Because he lives in a Fookin clock! Edit: Sorry, I got this in an Email forward and probably should have edited out the Irishness before posting it here.
A Man is in a Bar And he walks into a bathroom to take a piss. While he’s peeing, a black man walks in and takes the urinal next him. The first man, being naturally curious, looks around the divider for a comparison, and sees that the man has a monstrous penis. Shocked, the first man strikes up a conversation and says, Hey man, I couldn’t help but notice that you have a huge dick. The black man replies with a very thick Irish accent, well yes, I’m a leprechaun, ya know. The first man says, well, if your a leprechaun, that means you grant wishes, right? The leprechaun says, well sure I grant wishes. Whatcha want, son? he replies, well I would like to have a large dick like yours. The leprechaun nods and says, big dick? No problem. But, as payment, I have to do ya. The first man looks confused for a second and says, do me? What do you mean by that? The leprechaun chuckles and says, well imma take you in the stall, bend you over and do ya. The man considers it and accepts the offer. They go into the stall, and the leprechaun starts doing him. He then starts to strike up a conversation. so, son, what’s your name? the man grunts and says, Tommy. How old are you, Tommy? Twenty six The leprechaun chuckles for a second and says, Tommy, don’t you think 26 is a little old to be believing a black man?
Ireland is beautiful Too bad Irish people live there
A guy is at a restaurant… And he walks into a bathroom to take a piss. While he’s peeing, a very short man in a green suit with bright orange hair walks in and takes the urinal next him. The first man, being naturally curious, he looks around the divider for a comparison,and sees that the short, orange haired man has a monstrous penis. Shocked, the first man strikes up a conversation and says, Hey man, I couldn’t help but notice that you have a huge dick. the short man replies with a very thick Irish accent, well yes, I’m a leprechaun, ya know. first man says, well, if your a leprechaun, that means you grant wishes, right? leprechaun says, well sure I grant wishes. Whatcha want, son? he replies, well I would like to have a large dick like yours. the leprechaun nods and says, big dick? No problem. But, as payment, I have to do ya. the first man looks confused for a second and says, do me? What do you mean by that? the leprechaun chuckles and says, well imma take you in the stall, bend you over and do ya. the man considers it and accepts the offer. They gonna the stall, and the leprechaun starts doing him. He then starts to strike up a conversation. so, son, what’s your name? the man grunts and says, Tommy. how old are you, Tommy? twenty six the leprechaun chuckles for a second and says, Tommy, don’t you think 26 is a little old to be believing in leprechauns?
An Irishman walks into a pub and orders three pints of Guinness The barman is a bit confused and asks him why he orders three at once. The Irishman replies: ‘You see, I just moved here, leaving me two brothers back home in Carbury. So in honour of them, I drink a pint for each one of us.’ From this point on, the man returns every evening to drink his three pints, until one day, he comes in and orders only two. The barman is a bit baffled, then he understands and says ‘Oh my, only two pints? Did anything happen to one of your brothers?’ ‘No, they’re alright. It’s because the doctor told me I need to stop drinking.’
Yet another Irish drinking joke An Irishman with a penchant for coming home drunk after work every night is admonished by his wife every night as he comes in the door. Every night he just waves his hand at her and goes upstairs to pass-out until dinner is ready. One night the wife decided she’s had enough and would teach him a lesson. As they’re eating dinner she says to him that she’d heard that men who behaved like him have been known to shit their guts out. You don’t want to shit your guts out now do you? Again, he waves his hand and says I don’t believe in those wives tales . The next night he came stumbling home again as his wife was making a chicken in the kitchen. He stumbles up the stairs, disrobes and passes out in bed as usual. The wife then takes the chicken innards and scatters them on the bed between his legs. A couple hours later the man comes downstairs for dinner and says You know, those wives tales were right. I actually shit me guts out . So are ya gonna quit yer drinkin then she says. The man then says, Nay, it was a tough go but I was able to get em back in just fine.
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment… …when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O’Connor looks around and asks, ‘Oh, me boys, someone got’s to tell Paddy’s wife.. Who will it be?’ They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse. ‘Discrete??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.’ Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, ‘Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.’ ‘Tell him to drop dead!’, says Murphy’s wife.. ‘I’ll go tell him.’ says Gallagher.
