Little Red Riding Hood was sitting upstairs in her room listening to music, when her mum calls her down into the kitchen, so she heads downstairs. When Red enters the kitchen, her mum asks, Little Red would you mind taking this basket of goodies to your ill grandmother in the morning? Little Red immediately reaches for her cloak and puts it on and says, It’s no problem, I’ll go now. Her mum gets all wide-eyed and exclaims, But, it’s late and the Big Bad Wolf is about! You know what he’s going to do… He’s capture you, strip you naked and fuck the living daylights out of you! Little Red then grabs the shotgun from the wall holder and says, I’m eleven, and I have the family’s shotgun, I’ll be fine! So with that, she sets off into the Woods. As she is walking through the woods, she runs into the Three Little Pigs. One of the Pigs asks, Little Red what are you doing in the Woods so late at night? Red responds, I’m taking this basket of goodies to my ill grandmother. Pig says, But, it’s late, and the Big Bad Wolf is about! You know what he’s going to do! He’s going to capture you, strip you naked and fuck the living daylights out of you! Little Red replies same as before, It’s no problem! I’m eleven, and have the family’s eight gauge, I’ll be fine! Red then gets to her grandmother’s cottage, and goes into her bedroom. She then shuts the door behind her and gasps, My Grandmother, you’re not looking well at all! All of a sudden the Big Bad Wolf pops out of the bed and exclaims, HA! I’ve been waiting a very long time for this! You know what I am going to do? I’m going to capture you, strip you naked and fuck the living daylights out of you! This is when Little Red calmly sets the basket down, strips naked, cocks the shotgun, points it at him and says, No, you’re going to eat me like the book says!
Bill Cosby’s accusers have decided not press legal charges against him… …as it won’t be long now until the police shoot him.
Two Ditzy blondes… A ditzy blonde is driving 80 mph down the highway, 20 miles over the speed limit. A ditzy blonde police officer pulls her over. The police officer asks to see her license, but the ditzy blonde driver has no idea what a license is. The officer tells her it is an identification card with her picture on it. The driver rummages in her purse and pulls out her makeup mirror, opens it up, sees herself in the mirror, and hands it to the police officer. The police officer looks at the mirror and says, Oh! You should have told me you were a police officer as well!
A cop had set up a speed trap at the end of a bridge when yet another lucky customer comes roaring past doing twenty miles over the limit. The cop lights him up and pulls him over. After retrieving the driver’s license and registration, he’s filling out the ticket and he asks the driver, So, what do you do for a living sir? The guy replies, Oh, I’m an asshole stretcher. The cop pauses in his writing for a sec, dumbfounded. Then asks, What exactly does that involve? Oh, it’s simple, the driver replies, First you insert a finger, eventually you can get two fingers in, then a fist. After that you can work both hands in and really start stretching it out. After it gets big enough, you can work you feet in there and keep stretching until it’s about six feet. Six feet? The cop asks, What do you do with a six foot asshole? Usually, the guy says, you give him a radar gun a park him at the end of a bridge.
Why take off so fast? A woman comes to a complete stop at a stop sign. She notices a police car a couple cars back. So she makes sure to do a complete stop, not a roll. Then she accelerates more than she means to and continues driving. Well sure enough the police pull her over. The police woman asks her why she sped off so fast from the stop sign. She replied My ex ran off with a police woman and I thought you were trying to bring him back to me! . The police officer said no more and got back into their car and drove away.
[NSFW] Be careful what you say A newly-wed business man planned to go on a business trip and didn’t want his wife to cheat on him because he couldn’t pleasure her for 3 weeks. So he comes out of the house and goes to the nearest sex store. After asking the store owner what could pleasure his wife for the 3 weeks he was gone, the owner pulled a box under his table and revealed a dildo. The man said: But that is just a regular dildo? What’s so special about it? . The owner commanded the dildo: Magic dildo,mouse hole! . The dildo flew away to the wall and started coming in and out of the mousehole. Magic dildo, come back! . The man happily bought it and came home to his wife. If you ever feel lonely just say: Magic dildo, my pussy. 1 week passed after the man left on a trip and the wife commanded: Magic dildo, my pussy! After she orgasmed, she didn’t know how to stop it and went to the hospital. On the way there, a policeman stopped her and asked her if she was drunk from all the noise she is making. She replied: No! N-o! It-s a mag-ic di-ldo! The policeman laughed and said: Ha-ha. Magic dildo my ass!
A dwarf psychic escaped from a police holding cell. Headlines read Small Medium at Large
Why are black man’s palms white? Because they are always leaning against cop cars.
A quantum physicist gets pulled over. The police officer asks Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going? The quantum physicist responds No, but I know exactly where I am.
A popular website for married men looking for secret affairs was hacked The company which runs this website would like to assure everyone that they are doing everything they can to protect their users’ personal information. In an effort to bring the hacking group which calls itself Project Unicorn to justice, they’re coordinating with the Department of Homeland Security, the Ontario Provincial Police, the U.S Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. When asked why the latter had to be involved a company spokesperson replied, It’s always good thing to have the mountees on the case when you’re trying to hunt down a bunch of Unicorns.
A priest is walking through the woods at night He is stopped by a policeman. The priest asks, What seems to be the problem, officer? The policeman replies, A Boy Scout was abducted in the area, and we are looking for a potential child molester. The priest thinks for a second, and says, I’ll do it.
it was the first day of school It was the first day of school for a 2nd grade class. The teacher is asking the kids what their fathers do for a living. The teacher asks little Jimmy what his dad does for a living. Little Jimmy replies my dad is a policeman . The teacher says that’s good Jimmy that’s a good profession. She asks little Susie, little Susie replies my dad is a lawyer . The teacher says that’s very good Susie that’s a great profession to be in. The teacher asks little Mikey who says my dad is a doctor . The teacher says that’s super, that’s a wonderful profession to be in. The teacher goes to little Johnny and little Johnny says my dad is a male stripper at a gay bar . The teacher just says um, okay and moves on. Finally later in the day the kids go to recess and the teacher pulls Johnny aside and asks, is your dad really a stripper at a gay bar? Johnny says, No. He plays for the Cubs, but that’s too embarrassing.
Pickup truck A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of cheetahs. He pulls the guy over and says… You can’t drive around with cheetahs in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately. The guy says OK … and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of cheetahs, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands… I thought I told you to take these cheetahs to the zoo yesterday? The guy replies… I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!
Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, What’s the meaning of the word ‘Drunk’, dad? Well, my son, his father replied, look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk. But, dad, the boy said, there’s only ONE policeman!
One time a kid named Jonny heard the phrase Purple Passion . He had no idea where he heard it or what it even meant. But by god, He was going to find out. So one day at school He decided he would ask his teacher. He raised his hand, the teacher called on him and he stood up and asked. Teacher, what is Purple Passion? The teacher obviously appalled by the question replied Jonny!, how dare you ask such a question. Go to the Principal’s office right this minute. Jonny, confused, picked up his things and made his way to the Principal’s office. Once there, the Principal welcomed him in and had him take a seat. So Jonny He said What brings you here? Well Jonny said. I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was. And she sent me here. So do you know what Purple Passion Is? The Principal looked at Jonny and Said I am very disappointed in you Johnny. This calls for a suspension. Get your things and go home . Jonny, again confused, grabbed his things and walked home. When he got home, he surprised his mom who asked, What are you doing home? To which Jonny replied I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was. And she sent me to the principal’s office So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me and sent me home. So what is purple passion? JONNY! his mother yelled How dare you ask such a question, you are GROUNDED! Get up to your room and stay there. So, confused Jonny is sitting on his bed board out of his mind when he decides he is going to sneak out of his bedroom window. Once out, he’s walking down the street of his neighborhood when the town Sheriff stops and says, Jonny! What are you doing out of School? Well Jonny says. I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was. And she sent me to the principal’s office, So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me and sent me home. Then I asked my mom what Purple Passion was, and she grounded me. I snuck out of the bedroom window and now I’m here. So, What’s Purple Passion? The officer promptly grabs Jonny and handcuffs him. You are going to jail young man he says. So there is Jonny sitting in jail. When the jail guard comes up and asks What are you in for? Jonny looks at him and says I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was. And she sent me to the principal’s office So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me and sent me home. Then I asked my mom what Purple Passion was, and she grounded me. I snuck out of the bedroom window and was stopped by a cop and I asked him what purple passion was and he arrested me and sent me here. So do you know what purple passion is? Well son the jail guard said. You just earned an express ticket to see the Judge due to your vulgar expletives. When Jonny was brought in front of the Judge, he was asked to explain what he had done wrong. He said Your Honor. I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was. And she sent me to the principal’s office, So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me and sent me home. Then I asked my mom what Purple Passion was, and she grounded me. I snuck out of the bedroom window and was stopped by a cop and I asked him what purple passion was and he arrested me and sent me to jail, so I asked the Guard what Purple Passion was and he sent me here. So what is Purple Passion? The judge slammed down his gavel and said For this outrage I shall send you to the Supreme Court. (Just roll with it). When standing In front of the Supreme Court Judge, He was asked why he was there, to which he responded Sir, I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was. And she sent me to the principal’s office So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me and sent me home,. Then I asked my mom what Purple Passion was, and she grounded me. I snuck out of the bedroom window and was stopped by a cop and I asked him what purple passion was and he arrested me and sent me to jail, so I asked the Guard what Purple Passion was and he sent me to court, I asked the judge what purple passion was and he sent me here. So what is Purple Passion? YOU ARE TO BE DEPORTED!!!!! The Judge yelled. Bailiff, Get this pond scum out of my sight. So now Jonny is sitting in Thailand and a man walks up to him and asks him why he is sitting depressed on the side of the street. And Jonny told him the story. I was in class and I asked the teacher what purple passion was. And she sent me to the principal’s office, So I asked him what Purple Passion was, And he suspended me and sent me home. Then I asked my mom what Purple Passion was, and she grounded me. I snuck out of the bedroom window and was stopped by a cop and I asked him what purple passion was and he arrested me and sent me to jail, so I asked the guard what Purple Passion was and he sent me to court, I asked the Judge what purple passion was and he sent me to Supreme Court where I asked that Judge what Purple Passion was and he had me deported, and now I’m here, Do you know what Purple Passion is? The man Said You know kid, I don’t know what it is. But do you see that old man across the street? He knows what purple passion is. Jonny jumped to his feet, Overjoyed he ran across the street and BAM he got hit by a car and died. Moral of the story: Look both ways when crossing the street.
Since Michael Jackson’s death hundreds of children have gathered at the gates of Neverland. Police have said that they will let them out once they find a locksmith. Since Michael Jackson’s death hundreds of children have gathered at the gates of Neverland. Police have said that they will let them out once they find a locksmith. – http://ww.key-n-lock.com
A body was found…. In the bus station early this morning. A man was drowned in milk, buried in Cheerios, with a banana stuxk in his ass. Police suspect a cereal killer….
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open……. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right breast is hanging out. As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure? She says, Why, officer? Well, your breast is hanging out. She looks down and says OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!
My Friend, The Weightlifter I have a friend who recently has been getting really into weightlifting. He got a second chance at life after a pretty horrendous accident and since his recovery has been coming to me for advice. I give him the standard advice I’ve always received: lift hard, and then go home and eat some protein and white rice or a baked potato. The other day I went to visit him after one of his workouts and walked by his room when I caught a crazy strong stench of marijuana. This was going to be awesome, I thought to myself – I’ll pretend I’m a police officer coming to bust him for weed. He’s a terribly paranoid stoner and falls for that all the time. Right before I knock on the door, however, I hear a faint moaning. I crack the door open and peek through, and there’s my friend going down on some chick I had never seen before. Even better, I thought! I’ll embarrass him for sure! As I swing open the door to surprise him, I noticed that something was a little different about this girl – she had Down Syndrome. Of course, my initial reaction was utter bewilderment. I immediately demanded an explanation for why my stoned friend was performing oral sex on an equally stoned Down Syndrome girl. He turns to me, and cheerfully as ever, states: Well, I did exactly what you told me! I lifted hard, drank some protein, and now I’m eating a baked potato.
In heaven, the police are British, the innkeepers are Swiss, the lovers are Italian, the cooks are French, and the mechanics are German In Hell, the cooks are British, the hotel keepers are French, the mechanics are Italian, the lovers are Swiss, and the police are German
Three young boys are talking about how cool their dads are… first kid says my dad is a fireman. he goes into burning buildings and rescues people and is a hero. second kid says my dad is a policeman and chases down bad guys and helps people and is a hero third kid says my dad can time travel the other two are incredulous. what do you mean? they demand. third kid says he works for the government. he get’s off of work at 5 pm and he’s home by 3 in the afternoon.
Do you know how fast you were going? (actual conversation my friend had with a cop when we were teens) Son, Do you know how fast you were going? The cop said having pulled us over and moved to the driver’s side of the car. No officer. The little peg stops it at 95.
A cop pulls over three elderly woman.. The cop says M’am, do you realize you were going 15 mph in a 55? Old lady driver: Ooo I must have been mistaken then, that sign over there says 15 The cop laughs and says M’am thats route 15; you’re on route 15 right now Old lady driver: I am so embarassed! Please forgive me The cop: Well everything seems okay here, just make sure to keep it at the speed limit. I do have one question for you though. Your friend in the back seat seems to be a bit pale and anxious, is everything okay? Old lady driver: Oh yeah she’ll be fine….we just got off of route 115
A cop is about to give a ticket to a man… And the man says: Can I ask you something? If an officer gives me an unfair ticket, could I call him an asshole? To what the cop replies: Well that would get you a 300$ ticket for disrespecting authority And the man says: And What about an asshole? Could I call him officer? The cop replies: That would be alright I guess… And finally the man says: Ok then, thank you officer
A cop pulls a man over for going to fast over a bridge… He holds up a speed gun and says: You were 10Mph over the speed limit, do you have a valid reason for going so fast? I was late for my job The man responded And what is your job? The cop starts writing a ticket at this point I work as a rectum stretcher The guy said quite matter-of-factly A… What? the cop replied A rectum stretcher, you know, I stretch rectums the cop stays quiet and the man continues First I put one finger in, then two, then 3, then a whole hand, then two. Eventually I stretch the rectum until it is 6 feet tall And what do you do with a 6 foot tall asshole? the cop asked Well we generally give them a speed gun, a cop uniform and position them on a bridge
A policeman just knocked on the door. He said, It looks like your wife has been in an accident… I said Yes but she has a great personality!
I just got pulled over… The police officer walked up and asked me: Son, do you know how fast you were going? I looked over and said: Not really, officer. I was paying attention to the car in front of me. He pulled out his speedometer and read aloud, I clocked you going 80 miles per hour. That’s impossible, I replied. I’ve only been driving for 10 minutes!
A police officer is walking through town on his daily beat when he sees… .. a nun drinking a bottle of rum on the side of the road. Sister, what are you doing? Should you not be at the convent? he asks. I’ll be going hic back soon officer. I’m trying to hic cure the Mother Superior’s hic constipation she slurs. Getting annoyed, the police office says, Sister, look at the state of yourself, how do you expect to help the Mother Superior when you’re so drunk? The nun looks at the office with a sly grin and says, this is all part of the hic plan officer. The Mother Superior will take one look at me when I come back and she’ll hic shit herself.
Why can’t a policeman win a game of pool? Because he always shoots the black one first.
Joke Police arrested a drunkard & askd: Where r u going.. � Man: I-m going 2 listen lecture on ill effects of drinking. Cop: Who-ll lecture at midnight .. � Man: My wife.. �
A clever excuse A man bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. There’s no way they can catch a Corvette, he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. What the hell am I doing? he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ”I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go! Last week my wife ran off with a cop, the man said, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back! Off you go, said the officer.
Sex Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him Rover or Spot . I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, I would like to have one too! Then I said, But she is a dog! He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, You don’t understand… I have had Sex since I was nine years old. He replied, You must have been quite a strong boy. When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex. He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night. The clerk said, Me too! One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. You don’t understand, I said, I hoped to have Sex on TV. He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married. The Judge said, Me too! Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, I’m looking for Sex. – My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, What seems to be the trouble? I replied, Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely. and the doctor said, Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend so get yourself a dog.
An oldie but a goodie A towns prison was overflowing with inmates, and they were running out of room for new prisoners. The local police force decided to allow two criminals to be punished by the public for their crimes. One was a wife beater, and the other was a rapist. There was a queue in front of each criminal. People who queued for the rapist were allowed to give one swift kick to the rapists nuts, and people in the wife beaters queue were allowed to give one sucker punch to the wife beaters face. A guy sees the commotion, and decided to join in the queue to punish the wife beater. The guy gets to the wife beater and swiftly launches a solid punt to the guys nuts. A nearby police officer suddenly yells to the guy Hey! You can’t do that, this is the punch line! . Edit: a typo
What should you do if there is a blackout at night? Call the police, they’ll come and shoot it.
Black people don’t need autopsy… They already know the cause of death: shot by police.
The man who cried wolf Officer: May I see your driver’s license? Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle? Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation. Captain: Sir, may I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whose car is this? Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box,and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Really? Ain’t that something? And I’ll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too.
Missing Wife Report A husband went to the police station to file a missing person report for his missing wife: Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn’t come back yet. Inspector : -What is her height? Husband : -Average, I guess. Inspector : -Slim or healthy?. Husband : -Not slim, but probably healthy. Inspector : -Color of eyes? Husband : -Never noticed. Inspector : -Color of hair? Husband : -Changes according to season. Inspector : -What was she wearing? Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit. Inspector : -Was she driving? Husband : -Yes. Inspector : -Color of the car? Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door… and then the husband started crying… Inspector: -Don’t worry sir,…We will find your car. men will be men
A man lights up a joint after refuelling his car. A man was refueling his car when he lost concentration and the petrol began to overflow, splashing all over him. He dries himself off and pays for the petrol before getting in his car and continuing on his way. A little while later he was driving down the road and decided to light up a joint so as the drive was a little less boring. And as he inhaled, a few ashes dropped onto his arm which was still covered in the gasoline. His arm immediately caught fire and in a desperate attempt to douse the flames he stuck his arm out of the window, this only made it worse. Less than a few seconds later a cop car came up behind him and pulled him over, he threw the joint out of the passenger side as the police man approached th drivers side window. The cop pulled the man out of his car and arrested him, arm still ablaze. The man was confused What am I being arrested for? He said. The policeman replied Son I’m arresting you for being in possession of a dangerous fire arm.
Why do police officers keep water in the automobile trunk? Because they don’t want the siren to die.
Matt loved trains. Matt loved trains. His Uncle John would bounce him on his knee as a child and tell him stories about steam engines and the old days of the railroad. Matt loved trains so much that he went to the Harvard School of Trains. He graduated as the valedictorian of his class and was the hottest candidate for top train conducting positions at every major rail company in the United States. After graduating college, Matt earned a job in California as a train conductor near Los Angeles. After a successful year on the job, Matt was conducting a train one day and noticed a group of surfer dudes on the tracks. Matt *hated* surfer dudes with every fiber of his being. At night he would dream of strangling surfer dudes to death with his bare hands until they were all but eradicated from the world. Matt knew the right thing to do was to stop the train and wait for the surfer dudes to move off the tracks. He had enough distance to stop. But he hated the surfer dudes so much that he kept going, full speed. He hit the surfer dudes and killed them all. Their families were devastated. Police arrested Matt as soon as he reached Beverly Hills railroad station. He was put on trial for murder and found guilty. The executioner allowed him one last meal. Matt asked for a silver banana. ** Where the hell can I find a silver banana? ** The executioner asked, agitated that Matt would ask for such an unusual item. Matt explained, ** You can find a silver banana at the top of Mt. Everest. But be careful, the banana is guarded by rabid killer mountain goats. ** The executioner sighed and reluctantly complied with Matt’s request. Using taxpayer dollars, the LA Police Dept. sent a team of mountain climbers up to Mt. Everest, led by the king of mountain climbing Reinhold Messner himself. Sure enough, a silver banana sat atop a pedestal at the peak of the mountain, guarded by seemingly docile mountain goats. The rookie of the mountain climbing group says, ** Ha. Stupid goats. They can’t hurt us at all. They’re not even doing anything to us. ** He grabbed the silver banana off the pedestal, and the goats go berserk. Every member of the group was brutally killed and dismembered by these mountain goats except for Reinhold Messner, who managed to crawl back to Los Angeles. With his dying breath, he says ** Here is the silver banana, ** hands it to the executioner, and dies. A massive outpouring of grief from the mountain climbing community ensued, many candlelight vigils were held, and the funeral service was televised by all major global television broadcasting companies. Matt’s execution day finally arrives and the executioner hands him the silver banana. Matt eats it and sits in the electric chair. The executioner straps him in, flips the switch, and Matt survives. According to the law at the time, Matt was now free to go. The executioner was furious but had no choice but to let Matt walk. Since Matt was banned from working on any California railroad, he moved up north to Seattle, in hopes of starting a new life. He got a job near Seattle as a train conductor and was able to convince the hiring manager that he was reformed and would not slip up again. After a successful year on the job, Matt was conducting a train one day and noticed a group of hipsters on the tracks. Matt *hated* hipsters with every fiber of his being. At night he would dream of strangling hipsters to death with his bare hands until they were all but eradicated from the world. Matt knew the right thing to do was to stop the train and wait for the hipsters to move off the tracks. He had enough distance to stop. But he hated the hipsters so much that he kept going, full speed. He hit the hipsters and killed them all. Their families were devastated. Police arrested Matt as soon as he reached the Space Needle railroad station. He was put on trial for murder and found guilty. As it turns out, the executioner from Los Angeles had moved back to Seattle in order to be closer with his loved ones. Bewildered, shocked, and angry, the executioner allowed him one last meal. Matt asked for a silver banana. ** Another silver banana? Where the hell can I find a silver banana? At the top of Mt. Everest again? ** The executioner asked, exasperated and flabbergasted. Matt explained, ** No, you can find a silver banana at the core of the Yellowstone National Park volcano. But be careful, the banana is guarded by rabid killer bison. ** The executioner sighed and reluctantly complied with Matt’s request. Using taxpayer dollars, the Seattle Police Dept. sent a team of volcanologists to explore the inside of the Yellowstone volcano, led by the king of volcanology Kenneth Hon himself. Sure enough, a silver banana sat atop a pedestal at the very center of the volcano, guarded by seemingly docile (and temperature-resistant) bison. The rookie of the volcanologist group says, ** Ha. Stupid bison. They can’t hurt us at all. They’re not even doing anything to us. ** He grabbed the silver banana off the pedestal, and the bison go berserk. Every member of the group was brutally killed and dismembered by these bison except for Kenneth Hon, who managed to crawl back to Seattle. With his dying breath, he says ** Here is the silver banana, ** hands it to the executioner, and dies. A massive outpouring of grief from the volcanology community ensued, many candlelight vigils were held, and the funeral service was televised by all major global television broadcasting companies. Matt’s execution day finally arrives and the executioner hands him the silver banana. Matt eats it and sits in the electric chair. The executioner straps him in, flips the switch, and Matt survives. According to the law at the time, Matt was now free to go. The executioner was furious but had no choice but to let Matt walk. Since Matt was banned from working on any California or Washington state railroad, he moved overseas to Switzerland, in hopes of starting a new life. He got a job near Zürich as a train conductor and was able to convince the hiring manager that he was reformed and would not slip up again. After a successful year on the job, Matt was conducting a train one day and noticed a group of yodelers on the tracks. Matt *hated* yodelers with every fiber of his being. At night he would dream of strangling yodelers to death with his bare hands until they were all but eradicated from the world. Matt knew the right thing to do was to stop the train and wait for the yodelers to move off the tracks. He had enough distance to stop. But he hated the yodelers so much that he kept going, full speed. He hit the yodelers and killed them all. Their families were devastated. Police arrested Matt as soon as he reached the Zürich railroad station. He was put on trial for murder and found guilty. As it turns out, the executioner from Los Angeles who had moved back to Seattle in order to be closer with his loved ones ended up getting sick of his family and moved to Switzerland in order to be as far away from them as possible. Bewildered, shocked, and angry, the executioner allowed him one last meal. Matt asked for a silver banana. ** NOOOOOOOO! Another silver banana?! Where the hell can I find a silver banana? At the top of Mt. Everest again? Maybe at the center of a volcano this time?! ** The executioner asked, exasperated and flabbergasted. Matt explained, ** No, you can find a silver banana on Mars. But be careful, the banana is guarded by rabid killer Martians. ** The executioner sighed and reluctantly complied with Matt’s request. Using taxpayer dollars, the Zürich Police Dept. sent a team of astronauts to explore Mars, led by the king of space exploration Neil Armstrong himself. Sure enough, a silver banana sat atop a pedestal at the very top of Mars, guarded by seemingly docile Martians. The rookie of the astronaut group says, ** Ha. Stupid Martians. They can’t hurt us at all. They’re not even doing anything to us. ** He grabbed the silver banana off the pedestal, and the Martians go berserk. Every member of the group was brutally killed and dismembered by these Martians except for Neil Armstrong, who managed to fly back to Zürich. With his dying breath, he says ** Here is the silver banana, ** hands it to the executioner, and dies. A massive outpouring of grief from the space exploration community ensued, many candlelight vigils were held, and the funeral service was televised by all major global television broadcasting companies. Matt’s execution day finally arrives and the executioner hands him the silver banana. Matt eats it and sits in the electric chair. The executioner straps him in, flips the switch, and Matt survives. According to the law at the time, Matt was now free to go. The executioner was furious but had no choice but to let Matt walk. Before the executioner lets Matt out of the chair, he angrily yells in his face, ** I have flipped that damn switch three times already! How have you not died?! Is it the silver banana?! What the fuck is your deal here?! ** Matt calmly answers, ** I don’t know, sir. I guess I’m just not a good conductor. **
A man named Arty walks into a Fry’s….. And demands exactly $5 or he will strangle everyone. The manager refuses and calls the cops, and quite upset, Arty starts strangling people, only to be stopped at a third person when the cops show up, but he gets away unharmed and with the money he wanted. The press gets a hold of this story and sets it as the headline of every newspaper: Arty chokes 3 for $5 at Fry’s
Did you hear about the dog-walker that went missing? Police say they are following a few leads.
Policeman’s Ball So a lady is caught speeding and a police car pulls up behind her and pulls her over. The lady already has 2 marks on her license so if she gets a third they will take her license away. She decides to get out of her car and approach them before they approach her. She starts walking over to the police cruiser and you can tell she has great assets . She leans over into the window and asks the driving officer, You boys pull me over to give me a ticket to the policeman’s ball? The driving officer replies, Ma’am we’re police, and we don’t have balls. The officer in the passenger seat can’t believe he just said that and lets her go with a warning. This is a true story, an older gentleman I work with had an employee (the girl) who had this happen to her.
The man of Latvian walk street when… …see the police cab is drive backward. Man make questioning of police, why drive the backward? Officer of Policing respond, Road narrow. We try to turning around! Man thinking this is fine; keeping of walk. Much time in future, man see same polices drive backwards, in opposite direction. Askings, why the driving in opposite way? Polices: We turned around!
A amnesiac woman covered in bruises walks into a police station… A amnesiac woman covered in bruises walks into a police station. The police are trying everything to learn where she came from and how she got the bruises but with no results. Finally one of the detectives notices she has a wedding ring. Oh! You have a husband! What does he do? I dunno, beats me.
Evan Williams: the rough ass Trash Whiskey Imagine all the other hard liquor and cocktails. Having an early evening happy hour. A late afternoon soiree, if you would. Evan Williams would be the drink that shows up drunk and uninvited. Jim Beam, I am so glad you could make it, COME IN! COME IN Evan replied, Oh thank you, Jack Daniels. Yes, it’s been so difficult with the kids and work and all and… Jim Beam. Dear, God, is that Evan Williams? Make way for the mayor of Fuckinyourpussy Town! , said Evan Williams. Hey Sugar tits, how about throwing a pity fuck ole Evan Williams way!? My name isn’t, sugar tits, it’s Bacardi Limon. Evan Williams replied, I find you a little less talk and a lot more pity fuck, pity fuck. I’m gonna make your butthole look like Seal’s cheeks! Evan Williams! You are making a scene! Makers Mark shouted. Oh look at me, I’m Maker’s Mark! I think I’m a big deal ‘cuz I’mma sippin’ whiskey! I’m the one with the college education! Well sip on my dick, you Ivy League, Good Will Huntin’, mother fucker. Sip, Sip, Sippy cup on my University of Phoenix online freedom ride! Evan, Evan what are you running from? The police! I stole a copy of Space Jam No Evan, what are you really running from? I’m running from myself, I’m running from myself! singing, In the arms of the angel far away from here What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! What happens in Bay City follows you home and accuses you of rape Someone call Evan Williams a cab and someone get him to stop fucking my wife’s purse??!! Maker’s yelled! I dont need to ride a cab! I’m already riding Coach! Evan ranted, Purse pun, why not, fuck one? High Five! No cumming in your wife’s make up! Princess Diana: inside job, Sandusky, clear minds, full hearts, can’t lose, Texas, forever.
Woman Dies on Golf Course Elsa Peterson of Oak Bluffs was tragically killed on the Lake Bluffs golf course last evening when her husband Bill drove a golf ball that struck her in the head. Police later questioned Peterson when the coroner mysteriously found a second golf ball lodged in his dead wife’s rectum. Peterson: That would be my mulligan.
People are scared of Friday 13th. I’m not, but I am scared of April 1st, because if something bad happens to you, no one will believe you. Ah, ha-ha, I see what you did there mr ‘I’ve been kidnapped, call the police’
A religious lady is in her house when a flood is approaching… Her neighbor came by with his pick up truck and said hey myrna, i have room for you you and your chair, the flood is coming, lets go! She answered serenely, no, I’m going to wait for the Lord to save me When the water had forced her to the second floor, a policeman in a boat came by and said Ma’am, c’mon, it’s time to go. She again answered serenely, no, I’m going to wait for the Lord to save me When the water had forced her onto her roof, the coast guard lowered a man down to her who said ma’am i’m here to rescue you, put this rope under your arms She again answered serenely, no, I’m going to wait for the Lord to save me After she drowned, she met St. Peter and insisted on speaking to the Big Guy, whom she asked Why didn’t you come to save me? God replied look lady, I sent you a truck, a boat, and a helicopter … (heh)
The police are currently on the lookout for a massive homeless dumpling that has been indiscriminately ransacking houses for money to buy basic necessities.
He’s a wanted wanting wanton one-ton wonton.
