A friend of mine got stopped by the police the other day… He was weaving the car a little oddly and they asked him to blow into the tube. He passed them a piece of paper which said This man is asthmatic, please don’t ask him to blow something signed by doctor. So the police said Well, then I’m afraid I’m going to have to take a blood sample . He passed on another paper which said This man is hemophiliac please don’t take any blood out of him . Just as the police said Well in that case a urine sample he gave them a final paper which said This man is an English cricketer please don’t take a piss out of him
Karma So yesterday I found a 15 dollar note in my purse. Not bothered to submit it to the police I went to an alley to spend the fake bill for a 1 dollar item, and I got two 7 dollar note for change!
An Australian takes a vacation in america… He’s driving along in his rented car and a cop notices him driving on the wrong side of the road. He pulls him over and says Do you realize you’re driving on the wrong side of the road!? The Australian says Oh I’m from Australia. The cop says Well did you come here to die!? No, replies the Australian. I came here yesterduai!
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, Yes I am. He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. Sure hold on a second. The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, I’m sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train. The man says, I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook.
New Year’s Morning A young man was drunk and staggering about with a key in his hand. A policeman walks up and says, What’s going on here? They stole my car! , answered the drunk. Where did you last see it? , asked the policeman. On the end of this key! , the man replied. The policeman looks him over and says, Sir, are you aware that your penis is hanging out of your trousers? Holy shit! , the drunk cried. They got my girlfriend too!
A fine country lady is hosting a dinner party and she wants to serve her famous Mushroom Soup. She invites over the whole neighborhood for dinner. The day of her big event she runs out of mushrooms and the small country store is sold out. She panics! What evah shall I do?? she pleads to her husband. Well he says There are lots of mushrooms growing back in the cow pasture. We could use those. Absolutely not! she yells. Those might be poisonous! He replies Tell ya what, I’ll go back and pick some and you make a small batch of soup. We’ll feed it to the dog, Jack. If he is OK in an hour or so, we’ll know they’re OK . With no other options, she agrees. He goes and gets the mushrooms, she makes up some soup and old Jack just LOVES it. He horfs it right down and is just happy as a clam. Few hours go by and old Jack is just dandy. The lady of the house goes into full Dinner Party mode. She is running behind schedule now so she calls the neighbor girl over to help her prepare. The lady figures she should warn the girl about Jack but doesn’t want to confess the whole story. She tells the girl to just keep a CLOSE EYE on Jack, that he is very special to the family, and to let her know if anything comes up. A few hours later the guests start to arrive and they all sit down for an absolutely wonderful presentation of Mushroom Soup. The guests are raving about it. They can’t get enough. Everyone is just having a wonderful evening,.. When all the sudden the neighbor girl bursts into the room in hysterics! OLD JACK IS DEAD!!!! she cries. HE’S DEAD, JUST.. DEAD!! The country lady immediately jumps into action. She calls the paramedics, the hospital and the police! They all arrive quickly and begin pumping stomaches and administering anti-poison medicines. People are puking in the yard, screaming, and crying. Ambulance after Ambulance comes and goes with guest after guest for what seems like hours. Finally.. at 5am an exhausted lady and her helpful neighbor girl are setting in the kitchen trying to take stock in what happened. The neighbor girl looks over at the lady and says It really is a shame. The guy that ran over old Jack didn’t even stop.
Honesty Is Not Always the Best Policy (real news) A Florida man arrested for speeding and DUI admitted to police that prior to getting in his car he’d been drinking beer and watching The Fast & the Furious. Although, he admitted his favorite movie is Dumb and Dumber.
Speeding Drivers Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see’s a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? Ma’am, the officer replies, You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour! the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time, the officer asks. Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142.
Holidays With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a social session out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before – I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know where I got it and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.
Two police officers Were analyzing a dog, curiously staring at the dog when their boss approached and asked them what were they doing! Oh We’re just trying to figure out something, a guy just walked by and said Oh look a dog with two assholes .
Werner Heisenberg is driving, enjoying a nice day out of the office, when a police officer pulls him over. The officer asks him, Do you know how fast you were going? No, officer. replies Heisenberg. You were going 39 in a 25. Shit, now I’m lost.
(real news) In Virginia, a man stole a samurai sword from a store by hiding it in his pants. He later denied having the sword, telling police he *was* just glad to see them.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, Where were you between four and six? I said, Kindergarten.
(Real news) In Florida, a truck filled with $120,000-worth of chocolate was stolen. Police warn the thieves could be armed and PMSing.
License and Registration Please A policeman approaches a driver after just pulling him over… Is there a problem Officer? The policeman says, Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence? The driver responds, I’d give it to you but I don’t have one. You don’t have one? The man responds, I lost it again for drunk driving. The policeman is shocked. I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers? I’m sorry, I can’t do that. The policeman says, Why not? I stole this car. The officer says, Stole it? The man says, Yes, and I killed the owner. At this point the officer is getting irate. You what!? She’s in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car with his gun drawn. The senior officer says Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The man steps out of his vehicle. Is there a problem sir? One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Murdered the owner? The officer responds, Yes, could you please open the boot of your car? The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. The officer says, Is this your car sir? The man says Yes, and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence. The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner. The man replies, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
Out on the Town A man is standing naked on a street corner. A cop walks up and tells him Sir you can’t be doing that here unless you have a good excuse, I am going to take you to jail. Yes Sir I have a good excuse. I was at my girlfriend’s apartment… we started drinking… next thing you know she jumps up and says… Lets get naked and go to town. I guess I beat her here.
A blonde walking down the street with the car … A blonde walking down the street with the car and take the opposite. A cop stops and asks: – Do you know why I pulled you over? To which the blonde says: – Clearly, you want to go out with me!
Two old friends run into each other at a bar Two old friends run into each other at a bar. The one friend says to the other Nice to see you, you’re looking really good. Have you lost weight? Yeah I have, actually. says the other friend. The first friend asks, How did you manage to get so fit? The friend replies Well, I’d like to contribute it to a good diet and exercise…but the Judge claims it’s from excessive drinking and evading the police.
Australians An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?! No, the tourist said, I came here yesterday
Beer VS. Pussy It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and pussy… A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer. A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy. Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton. Advantage: Beer. Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. advantage: Tie If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy 24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy. If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer. If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad. Advantage: Beer. 6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you will get poor. Advantage: Tie It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage: Pussy If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five. Advantage: Pussy With beer, bigger is better. Advantage: beer. Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable. Advantage: beer. Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain god. Advantage: Pussy If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Advantage: Pussy Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy. If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment. Advantage: Tie If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer. If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. Advantage: Beer. The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Pussy. The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Beer. Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright. Advantage: Tie Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead, Pete’s Wicked Winter Brew. Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage Pussy. The government taxes beer. Advantage: Pussy.
The Police called to my door last night and said Your dog was chasing a man on a bike … …I said Bullshit, my dog doesn’t have a bike .
Driving in Scotland (First post here, let me know if i need to fix anything please). An American decides to visit Scotland. While there, he decides to rent a nice car to explore the country. Not long on the road he is pulled over by a police officer. The officer approached the vehicle and asks the American, I don’t the way you were drivin’ back there. Have you been drinkin’ today? No officer I haven’t. To which the officer replies, Well, I guess ya wouldn’t mind proving yurself with a breathlizer test, would ya? If you will stop pestering me, than no, I wouldn’t mind. The American blows and the machine reads a flat .00. See? I told you I haven’t been drinking. May I go now? The officer was skeptical and retorted, The danm thing must be broken! Gimme that! The officer blows and the machine immediately starts ringing. Registering a .38. Guess it’s working, don’t let me pull ya over again. To which the American promptly drives away. Only to get pulled over three miles later, by the same officer, for the fourth time that day.
5 Russian Jokes about Vodka #1 A Gentleman comes to the shop and asked, – Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola. After Half an hour he comes again and asked again, – Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola. After one hour he comes again and asked to the shopkeeper – Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of… of Sprite. It seems Coca-cola makes me sick! 🙂 #2 A patient went to a doctor. Patient was suffering from insomnia, nervous breakdown and Depression. After some checking the doctor said, Doctor: This medicine is for insomnia, this one is for nervous break-down, and also take this one for depression. Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka? #3 Tell us, what forces you to drink vodka every day? – Nothing. I’m a volunteer. #4 The Traffic police stops a car. Policeman asked the man, Have you drunk vodka today? Driver: No. Policeman: Breathe into the tube… Well, no alcohol is detected… Maybe the tube is broken (breathes into the tube himself) No, it’s working! #5 Two Russian friends Went in a bar and ordered beer vodka. One of them adds: – Make sure the mug glass is clean! After a minute the waiter brings two beer mugs vodka glasses and asks: – Which of you ordered beer vodka in a clean mug glass? Courtesy: http://www.flowingevents.com/2012/01/5-best-russian-jokes-about-vodka.html
There’s this lady who works in a bank… … her name is Patricia Wack, but all her friends and colleagues call her Pattie. She’s very good at her job. One of those people who pays painful and pedantic attention to detail, does everything by the book, and is generally a bit annoying, but does a great job as a bank teller. One day, while she’s going about her daily tasks, a frog hops up onto her counter. I want a loan, says the frog. Have you filled out the application? asks Patricia. No, replies the frog. I don’t need to bother with all that bullshit. Just go and get your manager. I’ve dealt with him before, and he’ll give me the loan. Hang on, says Patricia, I don’t see any paperwork or ID, and I don’t know the first thing about you. I don’t know if you’re having me on, or trying to defraud the bank. What’s your name? Kermit Jagger, says the frog. Now you’re really having me on, says Patricia. Get out of this bank before I call the police. No, seriously, go talk to your manager, says the frog. He digs around in his pocket and pulls out a Mr Bean Bobblehead. Take this and give it to him. He’ll know what it is. Patricia reluctantly takes the toy, and walks upstairs to her manager’s office. She knocks on the door, and he waves her in. What is it, Pattie? He asks. Well, sir, there’s a frog downstairs wanting a loan, but has none of the necessary documents or ID. He says he knows you, and to give you this. With that she places the bobblehead on the manager’s desk. The manager looks at it for a little while, smiles and says, No worries, Pattie. You can go ahead and approve him up to $20,000. But sir!!! He has no ID or credit history with him! He didn’t bring any paperwork, and won’t do this by the book at all! What’s going on, anyway? And what is that… toy that he made me bring to you, anyway?? What’s that got to do with it? The manager sighs, leans forward, and says, It’s a nick-nack, Pattie Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.
Took a Cab Home With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving. As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a social session out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine… a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I’m not sure what to do with it.
Heisenberg gets pulled over (Nerd humor) Finding great success as a scientist Heisenberg decides to buy a sports car. He is blazing down the highway when he sees a cop car behind him. He pulls over and the cop comes up to the window and asks: Do you have *any* idea how fast you were going?! Heisenberg looks at him and replies: No, but I can tell you *exactly* where I am.
Voodoo Dick There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except…. and he stopped. Except what? the man asked. Nothing, nothing. C’mon, tell me! I need something! Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick.’ So what’s up with this voodoo dick? he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop! The old man replied, But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet. He pointed to a door and said Voodoo dick, the door. The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said Voodoo dick, get back in your box! The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. I’ll take it! said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say Voodoo dick, my pussy. He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said Voodoo dick, my pussy! The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!
Did you hear about the woman who tried to bribe the police with pennies? She was taken in by the coppers.
Old man driving alone An old man is driving along the road humming to himself. Suddenly he hears a police siren and a motorcycle cop pulls him over. He can’t imagine what could be wrong. Sir, do you realize that you left your wife behind in the gas station? I did? I am so relieved. You’re relieved you drove off without your wife? The gent nods. But didn’t you sense something was wrong? Yes, I thought I’d gone deaf.
A cop is watching a man stumble out of a bar… He watches him as he has extreme difficulty walking down the stairs. The cop then watches him try his keys in every single car in the lot until he finds his car. He starts it up and takes off. The cop pulls him over, asks if he’s been drinking, gives him a breathalyzer. He blows a 0.000. Confused, the cop gives him a field sobriety test and he passes each one with flying colors. I don’t understand, I saw you drunk off your ass coming out of that bar. What gives? Tonight officer, I was the designated decoy.
European Heaven (In honour of Berlusconi, enjoy your ban) In the European Heaven: The police is British, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the Italian are the lovers, and everything is run by the Swiss. In European Hell: The police is German, the cooks are British, the mechanics are French, the Swiss are the lovers, and everything is run by the Italians.
Three criminals are in a bar…. When the cops bust in. They all run down to the cellar to hide. They find a pile of potatoes in bags and decide to hide in a few of the empty bags nearby. When the cops come downstairs they see the bags and being the crafty buggers they are decided to check them out. They kicked the bag with the first guy and he yelled woof, woof . The cop then said ah there is only dogs in this one. They then kicked the second bag. meow meow went the criminal. Ah there’s only cats in this one. They then kicked the third bag and the last criminal called out potato, potato Busted
Australians An Australian turist came to America and rented a motorcycle. He drives in the speed of 100MPH in a 70MPH speed limit road, when a police officer tells him to pull over. The cup yells at the turist: What is wrong with you, did you came here to die?!?! No, answer the turist, I came here today
A farmer buys several pigs… hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls the vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. the farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take effect, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try , he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. No , she says, the’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.
A man was walking in Central Park in NYC… Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl’s life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl . The man says, But I am not a New Yorker! Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: ‘Brave American saves life of little girl’ the policeman replied. But I am not even an American! Says the man. Oh, what are you then? The policeman asks. The man replies, I am a Saudi! The next day the newspapers says: Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
Parents’ Occupation! The teacher in Little Johnny’s school asked the class what their parents did for a living. Mary, what does your parents do? Little Mary replied, My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse. That’s very nice, said the teacher. Robert, what do your parents do? Robert proudly exclaimed, My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher! That’s very nice, said the teacher, Johnny, what do your parents do? He stood up and pronounced, My dad’s dead and my mom’s a hooker. Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office. 15 minutes later, he returned. Did you tell the principal what you said in class? asked the teacher. Little Johnny replied, Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number.
So this guy who works in an aquarium Get summoned by his boss Who is looking very worried. And she says to him, I’ve just walked by the dolphin tank, And they’re feeling very amorous – They’re doing all sort of things to each other. And the trouble is in less than an hour, We’ve got three busloads of second graders coming. We can’t have them watching those naughty dolphins Behaving as if they were in a porno flick. Now there is only thing that acts as an anti-aphrodisiac for dolphins, And that’s the meat of baby seagulls. So I want you to go down to the seashore, And catch us baby seagulls, Put them in this bag, And hurry on back. But be careful – A lion escaped from the zoo this morning. And although he was heavilly sedated, He still just might be dangerous. O.K., get going, And make it snappy. So the guy takes a shortcut through the forest to the seashore. He fills the bag with baby seagulls. And he’s walking back to the forest, When he sees lion, And it is lying, across the path, Directly in front of him. It’s too late to run away, And the feline does seem so placid. So summoning up all his courage, He steps across the lion. Nothing happens. And so with much relief, the guy begins to resume his journey When none of the sudden, the policeman steps aside out of the forest. He grabs the guy by the arm, And says to him, You’re under arrest! The guy can’t beleave it. He says, Tell me officer, what’s the charge? And the policeman says, Transporting young gulls across the staid lion for immoral porpoises!
[OC] What is said in both the bathroom and the police interrogation room? Come clean, asshole!
Police called me at work! The officer said a burglar broke into my house and drank all my beer, then raped my wife. I said, WHAT?????!!!!! He fucked my wife after only 5 beers???!!!
Child molesters Two priests are out driving one day, when they get pulled over by a police officer. The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver, Sorry to pull you over father, but we’re currently searching for two child molesters. The two priests turn and look at each other for a few moments and then the driver turns back to the cop and responds, Alright officer, we’ll do it.
Speeding Tom is cruising down the highway way over the speed limit. Cop pulls him over. Sorry officer, guess the speedometer got away from me. Happens every time I get hammered and try to drive home. What?! You’re intoxicated? Well I needed a stiff drink after I shot that guy! It’s okay though, I managed to fit the body in the trunk. Sir, keep your hands where I can see them. Give me your license and registration right now. Well I would but it’s in the glove box where I threw the gun, it’s still pretty bloody and I don’t want it to fall out until it’s dried. Do. Not. Move. I’m calling for back-up. Back-up gets there. Second officer gets out, and says Sir, please open your trunk. Tom opens it. Clean as a whistle. Please show me your glove box. Tom opens it. Clean as a whistle, along with his license and registration. I’ll need you to take a breathalyzer. Tom blows a .00 Well what’s going on? This officer said you had a dead body in the trunk, a bloody gun in the glove box and were drunk. Tom says, Ha, I bet he said I was speeding, too.
A Pope Joke,.. Pope Benny Ratzinger was out on Romes high street looking for a replacement Popemobile.The old one was getting long in the tooth and way past its prime. John Paul had never take service and oil change stickers seriously. Now this is before all the austerity stuff was really kicking in,and he fells like he deserves a bit of a treat since hes been doing some great Popeing lately so he wanders into the Mercedes dealership and like a good German Lad,heads directly to the AMG`s. And there is the one he figures will be a great upgrade.It’s white, so it still goes with the uniform,but it’s a 700 horse power twin superchaged monster of a car.Not exactly practical,but the Holy Father reckons he could get the back end redone with a nice low profile glass box for waving and blessing. So he talks to the dealer,who is pretty awestruck that the Pope,..*The FUCKING POPE!* is in his dealership asking about zero to sixty times. Whats it’s top speed? Is it much of a hassel to disable the speed limiters? Then the Pope asks, Can we go for a test run? and Do you think I could drive? The Cardinals never let me up front when I’m working. Well,the dealer is not going to say no to the Pope,even though company policy is as definative as Leviticus on the subject of clients in the driverseats of the high end performance models.He say’s Sure thing your Holiness and they head out for a quick spin around Rome. Well its not long before the special red leather papal slippers are putting far to much torque to the road and then of course **Wha wha,Wha wha,** up pops the Law on a bike from nowhere and he pulls over the crisp white AMG and saunters over to the car with ticket book in hand. Drivers licence and regis,…… The Policeman does a double take,and tries again,but words fail him,Looks at the Driver..is that?….No it can’t be,….but,….Looks at the passenger,the driver again. After a moments confused silence he just raises a finger and says Excuse me please ,I’ll just be one moment. And so he does the best thing he could do in this situation,call the base and ask them what he should do. Hello Chief? Yeah I’ve pulled over someone really REALLY powerful for speeding and I don’t want to cause an incident without talking to someone higher up about it…. Who is it?,..Well I’m not sure,but he has *The Pope* as his chauffeur
A man gets pulled over for speeding The cop comes over to the window and asks the man, What’s the rush? Well, you see I a body in the trunk and I wanna bury it ASAP before it stinks up the place, Answers the man. The cop confused, Why is there a body in the trunk? Well, I wanted to buy 3 kilos of heroin and the other guy wanted to screw me so I shot him, The man calmly replied. So there’s a dead, 3 kilos of heroin, and a gun in your trunk?!!??! The cop nervously asks. Yeah, and also a bunch of C4. I’m planning to blow up the White House. The man continued. The cop, frightened, called for back and returned to his vehicle. As the back up arrived the police chief decided to talk to the man in the car again. So what’s in the trunk? Asked the chief. Nothing just a spare tire. The chief checks the trunk and sees nothing but a spare tire. Ok, where is the bomb, weapons, dead body and drugs? I have no such things. The man answered and seemed very consumed. Well, the officer told me you had all these things in your trunk. The man looks him in the eye and says, Yeah, he probably said I was speeding too,
A blonde cop pulls over a blonde speeder A blonde cop pulls over a blonde speeder. Can I see your licence ma’am? My what? says the driver. Your licence, says the cop, It’s the little square thing that has your picture on it. Oh! says the driver and hands over her compact. The cop takes one look and says, Oh, I’m sorry ma’am. I didn’t realize you were a cop.
A man was speeding down the road and didn’t notice the cop parked behind a billboard… Sure enough, the cop pulls out behind the man and turns on the lights and sirens. The man pulls over and rolls down his window as the police officer walks up to the man’s car. Is there a problem, officer? the man says. You must be in some kind of hurry as fast as you were driving, says the cop. Well, said the man, I’m a doctor and I’m late for an appointment with one of my patients. Oh is that so? says the cop, Well what kind of doctor are you, exactly? I’m a proctologist and I’m late for a rectal stretching, says the man. A rectal stretching? asks the cop, what the hell is that? The man replies, Well, I use a specialized apparatus which is inserted into the anus. I then turn a crank which gently increases the diameter of the rectum until it’s about 6 feet wide. The cop is baffled and says Well Jesus Christ, what do you do with a 6-foot asshole? The man responds, Give him a radar gun and park him behind a billboard.
Three builders are sitting on top of a building… …when they decide to have lunch. The first builder grabs his lunch box. Every day for lunch my wife packs me an apple and I HATE apples. If I get another apple today, I’ll jump. He opens up his lunch box and sure enough, inside is an apple. He grabs the apple, throws it as hard as he can and jumps. The second builder says Every day for lunch my wife packs me an orange and I HATE oranges. If I get another orange today, I’ll jump. Opens up his lunch box and sure enough, inside is an orange. He grabs the orange, throws it as hard as he can and jumps. The third builder says Every day for lunch my wife packs me completely random objects. If I get another absurd object today, I’ll jump. He opens up his lunch box and sure enough, inside is a hand grenade. He pulls the pin out, throws it as hard as he can and jumps. Meanwhile, there is a police officer walking along the street. As he walks he sees a little boy lying on the side of the road, crying. Little boy, what is the matter? he asks. An apple just hit me in the side of the head! Confused, the police officer keeps walking. Soon he sees a little girl lying on the side of the road, crying. Little girl, what is the matter? he asks. An orange just hit me in the head! The policeman frowns but keeps walking. Shortly enough he sees another little boy lying on the side of the road, laughing uncontrollably. Little boy, what is so funny? he asks. The boy, still clutching his sides, stands up and says I farted and my house blew up!
The police caught a man masturbating in public. As they were arrestng him, they told him, You came in the wrong neighborhood.
A police officer confronts a man who he thinks is high on marijuana. How high are you? He asks. No,you said it wrong, it’s ‘Hi! How are you?’
Barry’s life took a turn for the worse [OC] Barry’s life was fantastic. He had a 4 year old child, and his wife had another on the way. But his wife had miscarried. About two weeks later, his son, who they had been very attached to after the miscarriage, had walked out into traffic, and was struck and killed by a car. Then blame starts to get thrown around. His wife leaves him, taking the house and all of his money and possessions that he had worked hard for, and she started having sex with a body builder. Barry was devastated, financially and emotionally. He contemplated suicide. But no, he decided that to bring excitement back into his life, he would rob a train. He gets his revolver, and heads onto a train. When the ticket taker comes around to take his ticket, he pulls out the gun. Nobody move or you get shot! he shouted. People complied with him. He took everyone’s money. It had worked, he finally had some excitement in his life again. He was so happy, that he didn’t even notice the police coming on board to arrest him. The police asked him why he did it and he said, I don’t know, it all just started going downhill. My whole life was ruined. I honestly thought in the back of my mind that it could bring my son back. That’s a very weird reason, the cop replied, and put him in the police car. He was in jail, miserable that he was no longer excited. Then the other guy in the cell asked him, What you in for? I robbed a train, Barry replied. The man replied, Why’d ya do it? I wanted some excitement in my life. I don’t know, I thought it might bring my son back, Barry replied. That’s a pretty strange cause, eh? Yeah. Barry was meeting with his lawyer to discuss how they should take this case. Well, did you do it? his lawyer asked. Yeah, Barry replied. Why? I don’t know. I needed some excitement in my life, and I guess I thought it would bring my son back. His lawyer was dumbfounded, but managed to say, That’s a peculiar impetus, don’t you think? Uh-huh, Barry said back. Barry finally got to his court day. He knew he was going to plead guilty, he had to. All rise for the honorable judge Wilson presiding. The judge came in, and everyone took their seats. The judge looks at Barry, then at his papers, and says, It states here that you robbed a train, because you needed excitement in your life and you thought it would bring you son back. And Barry replied, It was a loco motive.
I have an Irish joke that I saw online once, and people in the comment section thought it was funny, but I don’t get it. A woman ran over to a police officer and said Help! Help! An Irish man just raped me! The cop asked How do you know he is Irish? The woman said Because I had to help him.
